Not Bad Advice

Forces of Equal

Can you make your life better in 30 minutes or less? We think so! In each episode of Not Bad Advice, your hosts Pamela Lund and CK Chung will offer you a new perspective that you can use right away to improve one aspect of your life.

Feel happier, more confident, and less anxious no matter who you are because good advice is universal.

All Episodes

Everyone has thoughts that hold them back and reducing the impact of those thoughts is the most important key to achieving your big goals. If you can’t get out of your own way, it won’t matter how many opportunities you’re offered. Learn about the last two types of grit that you need to maximize your potential, the grit to control your thoughts and the grit to persevere. The two episodes we mention that will help you learn to control your thoughts are: How to Change Reality How to Coach Yourself Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, ” Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:27] This is the fifth and final episode in our series on developing grit. If you missed the last four episodes, go back and listen to them because each of the types of grit, we discuss work together and you need them all. [00:50] If you only build up the grit to train your pain and don’t build up the grit to recover, you’ll burn out. And if you only build up the grit to train your weaknesses, but not the grit to master your fears, the weaknesses you train up, won’t be meaningful enough to make a difference. And if you don’t train the two types of grit we’re covering today, the grit to control your thoughts and the grit to persevere, you won’t be able to train the other types of grit at all. [01:19] The grit to control your thoughts is really about developing the ability to separate what you think from who you are and to reprogram harmful thought patterns. Everyone has thoughts that hold them back to varying degrees and reducing the impact is the most important key to achieving your big goals. [01:44] If you can’t get out of your own way, it won’t matter how many opportunities you’re offered. If you don’t believe you can do what you want to do, you won’t. try the grit to control your thoughts is really about developing the ability to separate what you think from who you are and to reprogram harmful thought patterns. Everyone has thoughts that hold them back to varying degrees and reducing the impact is the most important key to achieving your big goals. [02:25] If you can’t get out of your own way, it won’t matter how many opportunities you’re offered. If you don’t believe you can do what you want to do, you won’t try or you’ll sabotage your own progress. And every perceived failure you have will just reinforce. What you think you’re not capable of? This creates a vicious cycle where self-limiting thoughts create more self-limiting thoughts holding you back even more. [03:00] This creates a vicious cycle where self-limiting thoughts create more self-limiting thoughts, holding you back even more. But the good news is that developing the ability to control your thoughts creates a positive cycle that reinforces beneficial patterns and helps you succeed. CK: [03:22] We talk about dev

Jul 14

9 min 29 sec

Relying on willpower to do hard things to achieve big goals doesn’t work. Learn how developing the grit to be your best at your worst makes it easier to do everything, all the time. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:00] Before we get started, just a warning: I swear in this episode. Sorry, mom. [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:17] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:21] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:26] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:31] Willpower is bullshit. Recent research has confirmed that the way we think about motivation and willpower is completely wrong. You don’t wake up in the morning with a tank full of willpower, and you don’t inherently have more or less willpower than anyone else. You may have more or less energy on a given day, but willpower is not something that you have, or don’t have. [01:09] Willpower is actually grit. And as we’ve talked about in the last three episodes, you can train yourself to have more grit. I love this perspective because relying on willpower makes it seem like you’re helpless and at the mercy of this mythical superpower that successful people have. But training your level of grit puts you back in control. CK: [01:36] So far, we’ve discussed three of the six types of grit that human performance expert Steven Kotler says you need to perform at your highest level. The three we’ve covered are: the grit to recover, the grit to master your fears, and the grit to train your weakness. [01:55] Those three types of grit are necessary to make sure that you can do the things you want to do. The remaining three types of grit are what are needed to make sure you do do the things you want to do. And they all enhance what we think of as Willpower. [02:10] Willpower’s basic definition is, “control exerted to do something, or to restrain impulses. It’s also what we think of as the thing that allows people to do hard things or things they might not want to do, but know they should, like exercising or eating right. [02:29] And lack of willpower gets blamed when people don’t achieve their goals. For example, if you want to write a book, but don’t write every day, you might blame a lack of willpower for why you don’t write. But, as Pam said, pointing the finger at willpower takes away your control in the situation. Pam: [02:46] Right. And when you’re not in control of your actions, you feel helpless, but you’ll also feel like a loser because we’ve made willpower a virtue. We shame people who don’t appear to have it. [02:59] But the reality is we’ve all just had different levels of grit training so far, which means you can take small steps every day to get more of what we call willpower. And the more so-called willpower that you have, the easier it will be to achieve your big goals. And honestly, the easier life in general becomes because it will be easier to just do the things that have to get done rather than procrastinating or ignoring them until it’s too late. [03:29] Steven Kotler calls

Jul 7

7 min

We’ve all got things we’re not good at. Identifying the ones you should care about, letting go of the ones that don’t matter, and getting better at the ones that do is the secret to big breakthroughs. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] Pam: [00:00] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:32] This week, we’re continuing our series on developing grit, inspired by the work of Angela Duckworth and Steven Kotler. So far, we’ve discussed the grit to recover – aka why naps are necessary – and the grit to master your fears. [00:54] These two types of grit are pretty easy to understand. You have to actively and mindfully recover, so you [01:00] have the energy to do what it takes to achieve your goals. And you have to be able to do things that scare you, if you’re going to break out of your comfort zone. Simple enough. [01:10] The type of grit we’re going to cover today is more nuanced. This is the grit to train your weaknesses. In his talks on the subject, Steven Kotler invokes a version of the quote, “We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training,” to support why we need to develop the grit to train our weaknesses. [01:33] He says that you’re only as strong as your weakest point. So you can get to a certain level of success by leaning into your strengths. But once you try to do more, your weaknesses will hold you back. [01:46] Not everyone agrees with Kotler. When you discuss the idea of training your weaknesses, people will generally have one of two opinions. One side will say that you’re already good at the things you’re good at, so you should put more effort into training up what you aren’t good at. [02:02] The other side will say that you shouldn’t put effort into training things you’re not good at. They’ll say you should double down on things you are good at instead, because enhancing your strengths will compensate for your weaknesses. [02:16] I think both perspectives are right, depending on the type of weaknesses you’re talking about. And this is where the nuance comes in. The type of weaknesses that you want to train up are things that you have to do to achieve your goals. CK: [02:32] Examples of the types of weaknesses you may need to train to achieve your goals are things like public speaking, being comfortable on camera, being a good listener, communicating your ideas clearly, patience, staying calm under pressure, and saying no. [02:50] You don’t need to do your own bookkeeping, video editing, graphic design work, or website maintenance to be successful. Unless you enjoy doing those things, there’s no reason that you personally need to become skilled at anything that can be outsourced without negatively impacting the area. Especially if you don’t enjoy doing it.

Jun 30

8 min 47 sec

When you tackle big goals in your life, you will inevitably be confronted with fear. Learn how to make those fears less daunting and “one weird trick” that can make fear feel good. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:26] When you tackle big goals in your life, you will inevitably be confronted with fear. Whether it’s fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of what you actually need to do, such as public speaking, or any of the myriad fears that may come up. There is always some fear. [00:56] In his book, The Art of the Impossible, human performance expert Steven Kotler writes, “if you’re interested in impossible, then you’re interested in challenge; and if you’re interested in challenge, you’re going to be scared.” [01:11] Fear is also the reason most people don’t reach their goals, which is why, according to Kotler, the grit to face your fears is necessary to do great things. And you can actually learn to use fear to your advantage. CK: [01:26] Fear makes you hyper-focused because if there’s a threat to your safety, you need to focus on mitigating that threat above all else. It’s a survival mechanism. You’ve probably experienced this. If you’ve ever been walking alone in the dark and suddenly heard a noise behind you. Immediately, all of your attention is focused on identifying the noise and whether it came from someone or something that could hurt you. [01:52] Or if you’ve ever done something fun, but scary, like riding a roller coaster or going skydiving, you weren’t thinking about your to-do list while you were flying through the air. You are completely focused and in the moment, which is what being in the flow state is like. [02:09] So if you can learn to be afraid to do something, but do it anyway, you can unlock really productive, deep flow states that help you make quick progress toward your goals. Pam: [02:20] And every time you do something that you’re a little bit afraid to do, you get a hit of dopamine, AKA the feel good chemical, and of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel alert and ready for action. Together, these chemicals can – in the right circumstances – help you concentrate and get into a flow state where you can think more clearly and do more in a shorter period of time, and then feel really great about it afterwards. CK: [02:49] But too much fear is counterproductive and can prevent you from doing anything at all. You need to find the sweet spot where it’s helpful – where it’s challenging rather than debilitating. Pam: [03:01] Steven Kotler says to do this, you need to identify and confront what he calls your Massively Transformational Fears. These are a few things that you’re scared of and that are holding you back from achieving your goals. These aren’t just your biggest fears. Like

Jun 23

9 min 20 sec

There are six types of grit that are essential to achieving big goals. Believe it or not, one of them involves naps. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Learn more about Steven Kotler’s work here: https://www.stevenkotler.com/. Learn more about Angela Duckworth’s work here: https://angeladuckworth.com/. Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, ” Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:32] I’m not a proponent of hustle culture or grinding. Or, honestly, working all that much. But I am an advocate for using your resources to achieve whatever will make you feel great. And most great things require work and time. [00:57] There are tons of hacks and tricks to get more done in less time. But you’ll get better results when you train up your ability to just do what has to be done and your capacity to focus rather than relying on tricks. [01:16] We are constantly being trained to focus less intently and for shorter periods of time, for example, growing up, watching television with commercials, train those of us that are over 30 to be able to focus for about seven minutes between commercial breaks. You can get a surprising amount of work done with seven minutes of intense focus, but bigger goals require more. [01:39] So you have to train to combat that loss of focus. Just like as you age, you have to train to prevent muscle atrophy. [01:47] To make consistent and meaningful progress towards your big goals, you need to train yourself to actually start working on the thing you need to do, to stay focused on that thing longer than you normally would, to be able to do what you need to do even when you don’t feel like it, and to keep going when you’re scared. [02:09] So today we’re going to start a series of episodes about how to train these abilities, so you can do more than you think you can and do it faster than you think you can do it. So you can have more time to do whatever else makes you happy. CK: [02:23] We’re not talking about replying to more emails or cramming more mundane work into your day. We’re talking about your passion. Your purpose. Whatever it is that you wish you were doing with your life. [02:35] Doing what it takes to make that happen requires a different level of commitment and mindset, Psychologist and researcher, Angela Duckworth, posits that the secret to outstanding achievement is not talent, but a blend of passion and persistence. She calls this special blend “grit,” which is also the title of her book on the subject. [02:56] Building on Angela Duckworth’s work on grit, Steven Kotler, one of the world’s leading experts on maximizing human performance, wrote in his book, The Art of the Impossible, that there are six types of grit, which are all essential. [03:10] These are: the grit to per

Jun 16

6 min 39 sec

What you think directly impacts how you behave, and how you behave directly impacts what you get out of life. And that, in turn, influences how you think and the whole cycle starts again. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:26] There’s a lot of woo-woo stuff that many people – me included – roll their eyes at, but that is actually rooted in science. One of those things is that you can use your thoughts to change reality. CK: [00:51] Like… manifesting. Pam: [00:53] You could call it that, but as soon as you say the word “manifesting,” a lot of people tune out. Manifesting conjures up images of The Secret or candlelight rituals, crystals, and summoning spirit guides. And if you’re into that, great. Do it. But I want to talk about how simple shifts in how you think about what you want can increase the likelihood that you’ll get it. [01:20] What you think directly impacts how you behave, and how you behave directly impacts what you get out of life. And that, in turn, influences how you think and the whole cycle starts again. CK: [01:32] You can see extreme examples of this in people who have extremist views. Let’s take doomsday preppers, for example. They honestly think the world is going to end or the apocalypse is coming, and they need to be prepared for it. The fact that other people don’t think the way they do just fuels their conviction and makes them double down on it. [01:54] That’s their reality. And you can’t tell them any different. They’ve created their own world, where they require a bunker with weapons and months worth of canned food, purely by thinking it into reality. It doesn’t matter if others don’t agree with their reality because they’ve become psychologically rigid within the limitation of their own beliefs. Pam: [02:14] Exactly. And because they’ve created that reality, they do things that support it. Doing things that support their reality reinforces that it is real and that reinforces their beliefs about it. But you don’t have to be a prepper to create a new reality with your thoughts. [02:33] In Atomic Habits, James Clear writes that in order to achieve a goal, you have to become the person that does the thing you want to do. You have to make it part of your identity. Because if what you’re trying to do, doesn’t match who you think you are, you’ll sort of sabotage yourself because you won’t think you can or should get what you want. [02:53] You have to align your identity with what you want to achieve. Not wait to achieve it and think it will make you someone else. [03:02] I have a very simple example of this from my own life. I tried to get air quotes in shape every few months for most of my adult life. And I never made it very far because I was always focused on becoming some idealized future version of myself that was disconnected from who I was in the present. I’d workout for a week or even a few months, but I always gave up because I was working out for a version of me that I didn’t really believe could exist. [03:34] A few years ago, I decided to stop trying to change future m

Jun 9

15 min 56 sec

Get 3 tips for improving your verbal communication and find out what hostage negotiation can teach us about having better conversations. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer a perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:37] I have this theory that the massive amount of scripted and edited entertainment that we consume has affected how we think communication should happen. Instead of interacting with other people in real time, we watch interactions that are full of quick comebacks and clever responses. Even if there is conflict, the fights are perfectly choreographed. [00:58] I believe that seeing so much artificial conversation sets us up for unrealistic expectations of how real conversations flow, which can make us all feel like we’re awkward weirdos and we’ve become uncomfortable with a break in conversation that lasts even a few seconds. CK: [01:18] The dreaded awkward silence. Pam: [01:23] Silence during conversations is so anxiety inducing that many people don’t take time. to Think about what they’re saying, whether they should say anything at all, Or the impact, what they say may have. This fear of silence and the unrealistic expectations of how quickly conversation should flow can cause you to say things you don’t mean, or that you have to walk back later, and can make you commit to doing things that you don’t want to do. CK: [01:50] It could cause you to lie without meaning to. Or you may just end up sounding more foolish than you would if you took the time to think about what you were about to say. Pam: [02:01] Yeah. Yeah. Or I’ve been in conversations where there was a lull, and I ended up gossiping just to fill the dead air. And that feels pretty terrible afterwards. CK: [02:11] Well, as we’re starting to come out of lockdown and get back to having more in-person communication, it seems like a good time to learn how to have better conversations. Pam: [02:20] All right. Well, the first thing you need to do is the hardest thing. You have to get comfortable with a few seconds of silence, so you can take a beat before answering questions or adding your two cents. It feels super weird at first, but I promise you that it gets easier and that the pause feels longer to you than it does to the person you’re talking to. [02:43] To get comfortable with long pauses practice with your partner, roommate, or a close friend where the stakes are low. If they ask you a question, take a slow breath before replying. If one breath feels doable, try two. Eventually you want to work your way up to being able to take three fairly slow breaths without crawling out of your skin. [03:07] If silence feels too awkward at first, you can say, “Hmm…” or “Let’s see…” or something like that, that indicates you’re processing your response. Eventually, you want to stop using t

Jun 2

12 min 7 sec

The most powerful influence in your life isn’t a mentor, a parent, a coach, or any one else you look to for guidance. The most powerful influence on you is…you. That voice inside your head is the voice you hear more than any other and it can either be your worst enemy or your biggest ally. The book we mention is Chatter by Ethan Kross and the podcast is The Allusionist. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening, you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:27] The most powerful influence in your life isn’t a mentor, a parent, a coach, or anyone else you look to for guidance. The most powerful influence on you is you. That voice inside your head is the voice you hear more than any other, and it can either be your worst enemy or your biggest ally. [01:01] We think at a speed that is equivalent to 4,000 words per minute. 4,000 words per minute. That seems impossible, but thoughts are more nebulous than speech. You can have a complete thought without hearing all of the words in your inner dialogue. So that’s why I said that we think at a speed that is equivalent to 4,000 words per minute. Not that we actually think 4,000 words per minute. [01:28] Not everyone has a personal narrator, constantly reminding them of everything they need to do and every weird thing that they’ve ever said, but most of us do have an internal monologue to some degree, even if we don’t hear all of the words we’re thinking. If yours is as active as mine, it probably sounds something like this: [01:49] What are we having for dinner tonight? I’m cold. I was just hot five minutes ago. You sound like a judgy know-it0all in this post. Did you reply to that text? Is that a bug or just fuzz? You were too short in that email. They’re going to think you were being a jerk. I need new jeans. Do we need earthquake insurance? [02:08] If you don’t have that going on in your head, you’re one of the lucky ones. I’m kidding, of course. I’ve made friends with the constant chatter in my head, but the idea of not being constantly interrupted by myself is appealing. CK: [02:20] That reminds me of a podcast episode of the Allusionist, about a woman who had a brain aneurysm while doing karaoke. When she woke up in the hospital, she had no internal monologue and was left with only around 40 words in her vocabulary. But she didn’t get scared or worried about what was happening to her because she didn’t have a voice telling her to be. She didn’t worry about whether she’d have another aneurysm or even if she had recovered from the first one. She was just completely present. [02:53] So she was probably in a state like people get into when they’re in a flow state or that they’re trying to achieve with meditation. So over time, her internal monologue returned and she eventually recovered her vocabulary and language skills, but she said that while it was gone, she felt very calm and peaceful Pam: [03:12] I can only imagine my inner dialogue is so active t

May 26

11 min 41 sec

Saying no is hard for most people. It’s also one of the most important things you can do. Learn how to say no confidently and feel good doing it (even if you’re a people pleaser). Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:32] I’m a people pleaser, and I genuinely want to help people when they ask me. That’s a dangerous combination because it leads to me saying yes to things that I shouldn’t. Then I end up in situations where I’m doing things that I don’t want to be doing, or I’m putting too much time into projects that don’t pay enough to be worthwhile. [00:58] Ultimately that leads to me not being able to do my best work on that project, and maybe even negatively impacting other projects that I do want to work on, which in the end is disappointing for everyone involved. So by being a people pleaser at the beginning, I’m actually letting people down in the long run. [01:17] It took a long time for me to put that together and to learn how to say no at the right times. And this topic is evergreen, but I wanted to discuss it now because as we’re – in the U.S. at least -starting to come out of the pandemic, there are going to be a lot of things that you might find yourself being asked to do that you don’t actually want to do, or aren’t ready to do yet. So we’re going to give you tips on how to say no. [01:49] Everyone has things that are hard for them to say no to. I gave a few examples of mine, and I’m sure you can think of some for you, CK. CK: [01:56] Oh, yeah, definitely. I have trouble saying no to a lot of things – from social activities to helping others with projects that I have a lot of interest and knowledge in. Pam: [02:07] Yeah, your things that you have a problem saying no to are usually pretty different than mine. I don’t usually have a problem saying no to social activities. But everyone does have their own thing, It really comes down to not wanting to let people down in some way. [02:21] You want to help people. And you want people to like you, that’s a normal need that’s rooted in our survival instinct. But if you didn’t see positive examples of having boundaries from your parents or other role models, having your own boundaries can make you feel guilty. Like you’re rejecting people. [02:40] We say yes to avoid feeling guilty. But saying yes, when you want to say no leads to resentment. And guilt fades, but resentment grows. So if you’re not comfortable saying no, you’re probably also not comfortable asking for things. [03:00] This may make you think the person asking you for something, went through a lot to ask you for it. And that might be true, or it might not be, you can’t assume what they’re thinking, and you’re not responsible for their feelings anyway. [03:15] You have to remember that you’re not responsible for saving everyone else e

May 19

13 min 43 sec

Overcoming unworthiness is simple and difficult at the same time. It’s also an ongoing process. Use these 5 strategies to work on your unworthiness patterns. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Saboteurs assessment: PositiveIntelligence.com. Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, ” Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:29] In the last two episodes, we discussed where and worthiness comes from, ways that unworthiness shows up in our lives, and how we are all affected by it in some way. Today, we’re going to talk about how to start changing the thought patterns that reinforce unworthiness. [00:52] And as always, if you have unaddressed trauma or feel like you need more guidance, please seek out professional help from a therapist or qualified coach. CK: [01:04] So last week we discussed how all feelings of unworthiness go back to lovability. You mentioned that we learn what behaviors will be rewarded with love and what behaviors will cause love to be withheld, all before we’re seven years old. [01:17] Many of our listeners are in their thirties and forties, so they’ve been living with these patterns of unworthiness in some form or another for decades. Can they really change those foundational beliefs now? Pam: [01:27] Absolutely. You can change any thought patterns that you want to change. Some are easier to change than others, but you can change. [01:35] What do you think I’m going to say the first step is. CK: [01:39] Okay. Let’s take a wild guess here. Would it be awareness? Pam: [01:43] Nailed it. [01:46] Let me share an example of how this process works from my own life. [01:51] At the beginning of 2020, I was sitting on our balcony, staring at my inbox, and battling the anxiety that I had every time a new email came in. I’d been stressed out for months and felt like I was failing at everything I was doing. [02:06] I wasn’t meeting my clients’ expectations. I’d been trying for months to script a different podcast that we’re working on and hadn’t made any progress on it. And I remember just sitting there thinking like something has to change. [02:19] I’d been tossing around the idea of getting a performance coach for a few months. And I had someone in mind, but I hadn’t made the move yet. In that moment, I pulled out my credit card, paid for six months of coaching upfront, and booked my first session. I knew that something needed to change, but I didn’t know what. [02:37] I told my coach, Sarah, that I needed accountability and help putting in processes so I could stay on track, be consistent and get more work done, so I would stop feeling like I was failing. She smiled nodded and said, “maybe you need that, maybe not.” [02:55] Sarah had me take an assessment that identified tha

May 12

12 min 31 sec

If you don’t feel worthy of achieving the goal you set, it won’t matter how hard you work or how much time you put into getting there. You’ll always find ways to delay achieving the goal and the worst part is, if you don’t see what’s happening, you’ll think you are failing. You’ll think that you aren’t capable of achieving your goal because you’re flawed, you aren’t smart enough, you aren’t disciplined enough, but the realty is that subconsciously a part of you is working to undo all of the work you do. Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, ” Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:27] I recently saw an Instagram post by John Wineland – he’s @John_Wineland on Instagram – and it said, “We come to understand most of what we know about love by the time we’re six or seven, including what behaviors would be rewarded with love and what behaviors would have love taken away.” Think about what that means for us as adults. That our worthiness, our beliefs about how lovable we are, and what we need to do to get love are informed by the experiences we had by the second grade. [01:12] You probably still believed in Santa Claus when you formed all of these deep seated beliefs about your worthiness. So I think it’s time to pick up some new beliefs. CK: [01:22] So, on the last episode we discussed how feelings of unworthiness show up in our lives and how feeling unworthy can be the root cause of many issues that don’t seem related on the surface. I mentioned my experience growing up where I simultaneously felt like I wasn’t smart enough to please my family, but I was appearing to be too smart to fit in with my peers. And that made me feel conflicted about success all the way into adulthood. [01:49] You talked about how you’re an overachieving people-pleaser, who feels like you can’t receive anything without reciprocating. So all of these different issues are rooted in unworthiness. Why is unworthiness the cause of so many seemingly unrelated issues? Pam: [02:06] Well, because it’s all about what you’re able to receive, no matter the circumstances. And what you’re able to receive relates back to what you learned about love. Because really everything you receive is essentially a form of love. [02:19] Money is love. Acceptance is love. Friendship is love. Attention is love. Everything we receive represents love in some form. It’s all the same thing in different packages and you’re comfortable receiving what you learned you were worth when you were a kid, when you discovered what would cause your caregivers to give love and what would cause them to withhold. CK: [02:43] Can you provide any more examples of how unworthiness shows up or holds people back? Pam: [02:48] Yeah, well, it’s sneaky because you’re not going to think, like I’m not asking for the salary I deserve because I learned that asking for more money made my parents mad. Instead, it will manifest in more covert ways. [03:02] Maybe you won’t ask for the raise you want, because you think if you really de

May 5

8 min 13 sec

We are constantly getting messages that we aren’t good enough or that there is something wrong with us or that we need to behave differently to get what we want. How are those messages affecting you and keeping you from getting what you want? Need advice about something? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice! [00:38] When I uncover an issue in my psyche, I want to solve it right away and be done with it. Like, it’s something on my to-do list that I can just see it, do it, and check it off. But of course, deep-rooted issues aren’t like tasks that you can just cross off a list. [00:53] So I’ll feel like I’ve worked through an issue and then it crops up again in a new place. It will look different and feel different at first, but inevitably the root issue will be the same. If you’re doing any sort of self-reflective work – therapy, life coaching, anything like that – you’ve probably started to notice the same thing. You likely have one or two core issues that are at the root of almost any problem you face. [01:20] Those root issues are in your foundation. So everything built on top of that foundation is affected. You’ll go around patching cracks in the walls and ceiling leaks in the roof until you finally figure out that the foundation is what needs repair. Fixing the foundation is a lot of work, but once you address the root issue, the rest of the problems either go away on their own or are much easier to solve. CK: [01:46] Scientists call that process root cause analysis. Pam: [01:51] That makes sense. So if you’re doing root cause analysis on yourself, outside of experiencing trauma, there are actually only a few core issues that cause the majority of our problems. We just all express and react to these issues differently. [02:06] Just like how a house with one story or two painted gray, blue, or tan, and with, or without a deck could all be built on the same foundation. We are all different, but we’re also all the same. [02:20] My big root issue – the crack in my foundation – is worthiness or feeling unworthy. So we’re going to do a series of episodes on worthiness. We’ll talk about what it means, where it comes from. How do I identify if it’s an issue for you, ways feelings of unworthiness present in different circumstances and how to start untangling it from your thoughts. [02:43] As I’m saying that I’m getting this visual of unworthiness as a thread that’s wrapped around and tangled up in my brain and I’m pulling on one end, slowly unraveling the knots and freeing my thoughts. [02:57] Now you might be thinking that unworthiness isn’t an issue for you because you feel confident that you can have high self-confidence and high self worth and still feel unworthy in certain circumstances. I have quite a bit of self-confidence maybe too much sometimes, but that doesn’t stop worthiness issues from affecting me. [03:17] Worthiness doesn’t dictate how confident or attractive or smart you feel. Worthiness is about how you’re able to receive what you feel like you deserve and how much metaphorical space you feel like you can take up. [03:33] There are myriad factors that go into each person’s feelings of unwo

Apr 28

13 min 22 sec

What does Pam’s bum shoulder have to teach us about behavioral change and how we show up in the world? Got something you need advice about? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer a perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund, and I hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:22] I’m rolling solo today without CK, because this is an advice quickie. [00:31] So I’ve been thinking about patterns a lot lately. Specifically, movement patterns because of a chronic recurring shoulder issue that I have. [00:46] I have a movement pattern that I’ve developed over decades, and that pattern feels right to me, but it’s not. Since it feels right, I keep doing it, but because it’s wrong, it causes pain. And even though it hurts, it’s really hard to change the pattern. I’m working to change how I move, but it feels wrong to move correctly. So I have to think every time I want to move my arm. [01:07] Every… single… time. [01:10] That’s a lot of work and a lot of cognitive load just to reach for a glass or adjust my ponytail. But I won’t have to do it forever; just as long as it takes to ingrain the new pattern. [01:20] So what does my shoulder issue have to do with you? Well, the same incorrect pattern issue shows up in behaviors. And even if they don’t cause physical pain, they can cause suffering. We all have patterns like this that are unhealthy, or that prevent us from achieving our goals. [01:40] Maybe you check your work email before going to bed, even though you know there’s a chance you’ll see something that will make you lose sleep. Maybe you eat junk food after dinner every night, even though you know it makes you feel like crap. Or maybe you emotionally shut down every time your partner brings up money, even though you know that just makes things worse. [02:00] You can develop a pattern for anything. And over time it becomes your default behavior. Even if you know it’s not good for you or the right thing to do, you keep doing it because change is hard. And because these patterns likely helped you at some point, they feel right. [02:17] I developed my shoulder movement pattern after an injury that made moving correctly painful, but then I never did the work to correct the new pattern. So now the new pattern I developed is what’s painful. [02:29] When patterns of any kind start to negatively affect you, you have to question what you think is right. Because if you keep doing what feels right, without questioning, if it really is right, you’ll keep getting the same results. [02:43] If something you’re doing, isn’t working out the way you want. It’s time to try something different. It’s That’s going to feel wrong or weird at first, and you’re going to have setbacks. But every time you see a positive outcome from your new pattern, it will get easier to repeat. [02:59] Remember that what you’ve been doing is what got you where you are now. But if you want more, you need to develop new systems and patterns. You have the power to question and change your patterns. You have the power to change how you’re moving in the world. <

Apr 14

5 min 3 sec

Can saving $5 every month really make your life less stressful? Find out how to use micro-budgets to completely change the way you handle your expenses. Ready to feel like you’re not bad with money? Visit NotBadWithMoney.com to learn about our financial coaching service that’s mostly practical and a little magical. Got something you need advice about? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:25] I budgeted for two years before I figured out the methodology behind what we’re going to talk about today. But when I did, my budget became so much more useful and powerful. [00:48] My money stress about things like holiday shopping and car repairs completely disappeared. And yours can too, with a little thing I call micro-budgets. CK: [00:58] So… tiny budgets? [01:04] Basically. When people budget, they usually think about big expenses like groceries, car payments, and rent or mortgage. And that’s great. You do need to make sure you have those expenses covered. But the magic of budgeting really happens when you plan ahead for annual expenses like vacations or holiday travel, non monthly expenses like oil changes or big Costco trips, and the unplanned but totally predictable things like your car breaking down or water heater going out. Pam: [01:33] So the basic idea is that you know that you’re going to need money in the near future for things. Some of them are certain, some of them are wishful, and some of them you hope don’t happen, but you want to be prepared for. So you look ahead to see how much you’ll need and how long you have until you need it. CK: [01:53] So you just figure it out. How many months do you have until you need the money? And then set aside a fraction of that every month until that time you actually need it. Pam: [02:03] Exactly. If you know you’ll need to do major maintenance on your car in three months, and you know that it will cost you about $180, you would set aside $60 each month for the next three months. So you have $180 when you need it. Even though it’s the same amount of money, it’s much easier to come up with $60 a month for three months than it is to come up with $180 in one month. [02:29] And it’s even easier to come up with $30 a month for six months, if you plan ahead further. CK: [02:35] Totally. Pam: [02:37] Another example is household goods that you stock up on. Maybe you do a big Costco trip every few months or maybe you subscribe to delivery of everything, like we do. For example, we use a service called who gives a crap for toilet paper and they send us a huge box every four months. I know I need $56 for every order. So rather than having to come up with $56 every four months, I set aside $14 every month for it.

Apr 7

10 min 15 sec

Have you tried and failed at budgeting in the past? Chances are the system is what failed, not you. Listen to discover why most budgets suck and how you can do it better. Ready to feel like you’re not bad with money? Visit NotBadWithMoney.com to learn about our financial coaching service that’s mostly practical and a little magical. Got something you need advice about? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:14] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:19] And we hope that after listening, you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:26] We’re almost done with our series of episodes on money and budgets. If you haven’t listened to the previous four episodes, queue them up for your next podcast-bingeing session. They’ll help you put what we talk about today into practice, but you don’t need to listen to them before you listen to this one. [00:54] If you want a supercharge your budget and uncover your money blocks in a supportive environment, we’re also accepting clients for Not Bad With Money coaching – a one-on-one personalized money and budget coaching program that will help you feel calmly in control of how money flows through your life. Visit NotBadWithMoney.com or click the link in the show notes, if you’re ready to feel like you’re not bad with money. [01:24] Budget is a bad word to a lot of people. It’s like diet – it represents restriction and denial of pleasure. It’s like a short-term punishment that you put yourself through just to get to a goal, but it doesn’t have to be. And really shouldn’t be that way. When you budget the right way, you take the stress and anxiety out of money and actually create freedom to use money in a way that makes you happier. [01:49] Rather than feeling restricted and deprived, you feel free to buy things because you know you have money set aside for them. You don’t have to feel guilty about buying yourself something you want because you know you’ve already got your needs covered and your incremental goals met. [02:04] I get pretty excited talking about this topic because, well, I’m a dork. But also because it’s a revolutionary way to think about budgeting, and it will completely change the way you think about money. Ready? [02:14] Let’s do it! [02:15] Let’s first talk about how people usually budget and why it doesn’t work. Now, maybe you’ve used a spreadsheet or a tool like Mint to track money in and money out and called that budgeting. It’s not budgeting, it’s just tracking, but it’s better than nothing. [02:34] Then, maybe you’ve gone a step further and tried to estimate your expenses at the beginning of the month to create a budget. More than likely your budget was based on some ideal and completely unrealistic version of yourself that you could never live up to. [02:49] Then the next month, when you look back at how well you stayed on budget and saw that you blew it, you gave up and

Mar 31

11 min 21 sec

Do you wonder where your money goes every month? Do you beat yourself up when you buy things you can’t afford or didn’t plan to buy? Do you buy things to deal with feelings, like loneliness or stress? You’re not alone. The way you spend money is deeply tied to your emotional state, how satisfied you are with your life, your self-confidence, and almost anything else going on in your life. Learn how to be mindful of why you spend money, how to stop feeling guilty about it, and how to plan for the unplanned so you can stop using credit. Ready to feel like you’re not bad with money? Visit NotBadWithMoney.com to learn about our financial coaching service that’s mostly practical and a little magical. Got something you need advice about? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:21] And and we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:25] We are halfway through our series of episodes on money and budgets. If you haven’t listened to the previous episodes about uncovering your financial values, rewriting your money stories and changing how money makes you feel, listen to them after you finish this one. They’ll help you put what we talk about today into practice. [00:56] As with all of our episodes, the advice you hear can be used on its own right away, but if you’re ready for more, we’re also accepting new clients for Not Bad With Money Coaching, a one-on-one personalized money and budget coaching program that will help you feel calmly in control of how money flows through your life. [01:13] Visit NotBadWithMoney.com or click the link in the show notes if you’re ready to feel like you’re not bad with money. [01:18] Over the last few episodes, we’ve taken you on a journey through discovering how money makes you feel, what your financial values are, and what money stories are holding you back. Next week, we’re going to shift out of talking about mindset and get into the nitty gritty of actually setting up and using a budget to feel calmly in control of your money. But before we do, we need to talk about mindfulness. [01:47] Mindfulness is a buzzword that gets tossed around a lot. That’s for good reason. Being mindful is the first step in creating meaningful change. If you’re not in tune with what’s really happening, you can’t take action that will achieve the results you want. [02:01] If you’re not mindful, you will try to change the wrong thing or change things in the wrong way, because you don’t know where the root of the issue is. And this is true with everything, and that includes money. [02:14] Being mindful about money doesn’t mean thinking about how much you have or don’t have. It doesn’t mean thinking more about your bills. It doesn’t mean checking your accounts 10 times a day. It doesn’t really mean thinking about money itself at all.

Mar 24

15 min 5 sec

What happens when you tell yourself that you’re bad with money? Or when you don’t believe you’re worthy of more? Nothing good! Find out how to identify and overcome the money stories that are holding you back. Ready to feel like you’re not bad with money? Visit NotBadWithMoney.com to learn about our financial coaching service that’s mostly practical and a little magical. Got something you need advice about? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:00:21] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:00:25] A quick programming note before we dive in today: we are going to dedicate our next several episodes to money topics. We’ll go over everything – from how to uncover the unconscious money stories that are sabotaging your goals, to practical advice, like how to actually set up and use a budget that works for more than a month. [00:00:55] As with all of our episodes, the advice you hear can be used on its own right away, but if you’re ready for more, we’re also announcing our newest coaching service: Not Bad With Money – a one-on-one personalized money and budget coaching program designed to heal your relationship with money, so you’ll feel calmly in control of how it flows through your life. [00:01:14] Visit NotBadWithMoney.com or click the link in the show notes if you’re ready to feel like you’re not bad with money. [00:01:20] We all have stories we tell about money, whether we realize it or not. We tell ourselves stories through our unexamined, unconscious thoughts. And we tell other people our money stories through our actions and behaviors. [00:01:38] These narratives affect how we engage with the world in wide ranging ways. From whether you fund your 401k, to how you negotiate your compensation, to how much you spend on your clothes. [00:01:50] They also affect how highly we value ourselves in non-monetary ways. Uncovering, evaluating, and releasing your money stories can positively impact literally every area of your life. Even your sex life. [00:02:05] Creating personal narratives about why we are the way we are is just a human thing. We all do it, and we do it about everything – big and small. We say things like, “I can’t cook” or “I’m bad in relationships” or “I can’t write a book” based on past experiences or based on something someone else put in our heads. Like, maybe a parent who told you you couldn’t sing when you were a kid. [00:02:33] We develop these narratives as defense mechanisms. If you say you’re bad at something, you have an excuse to not try to do it, and therefore, to not fail. But none of these things that we tell ourselves are true about the future, because the future isn’t written. [00:02:50] Your stories are only true about the past, if they’re true at all. You have the choice every day to continue believing and living by whatever story you’ve been telling, or to change. [00:03:03] If you had cooking failures in the past, you can still learn to cook. If you had volatile relationships in the past, you can learn from them and change how you behave and the partners you pick. If you’

Mar 17

18 min 24 sec

What would you do with an extra $1500 every month? Your answer will give you insight into how to be happier with the money you have right now and how to stop should-ing all over your budget. Ready to feel like you’re not bad with money? Visit NotBadWithMoney.com to learn about our financial coaching service that’s mostly practical and a little magical. Got something you need advice about? Ask us here: ForcesOfEqual.com/Advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:26] A quick programming note before we dive in today, we are dedicating the next several episodes to money topics. We’ll go over everything from how to uncover the unconscious money stories that are sabotaging your goals to practical advice, like how to actually set up and use a budget that works for longer than a month. [00:54] As with all of our episodes, the advice you hear can be used on its own. But if you’re ready for more, we’re also announcing our newest coaching service: Not Bad With Money – a one-on-one personalized money and budget coaching program designed to heal your relationship with money, so you can feel calmly in control of how it flows through your life. [01:12] Visit NotBadWithMoney.com or the link in the show notes if you’re ready to feel like you’re not bad with money. [01:17] Last week, we talked about developing awareness about what money means to you. So you can start aligning your decisions with your goals and be aware of how you may be sabotaging yourself unconsciously. This week, we’re going to build on that concept by digging into financial values. If you haven’t listened to the episode on what money means to you, you don’t need to before listening to this one, but don’t forget to go back and check it out. [01:45] So let’s talk about financial values. We’re not talking about financial value. This isn’t about your net worth. It’s about what you deem important and meaningful financial values are based on what we value in life and what guide our financial decisions. Even if we don’t realize it. You can have a financial value and make decisions based on it without knowing you have that value at all. [02:10] And if you don’t know what your financial values are, you may set goals that you will never achieve because the goals don’t align with your values, so you won’t commit to them. Then, you’ll feel like a failure and develop a story that you’re bad with money, all because your goals are based on false pretenses. [02:27] So before you even get to setting financial goals, you want to discover your underlying financial values to set yourself up for success. [02:36] First, let’s talk about what financial values aren’t. Financial values are not your goals. Your goals are based on your values, but goals need to be specific and measurable. Whereas values are more of a concept. [02:50]

Mar 10

15 min 53 sec

It’s not the things you think about and consciously decide to do that are eating up your time, sucking your energy, and causing stress. It’s the things you do without thinking. Need advice about something? Ask us here: https://forcesofequal.com/advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:19] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:21] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “Hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:25] There is an endless amount of content dedicated to getting you to be more productive. To do more and do it in less time. [00:44] We’ve done plenty of episodes about productivity. Being efficient and productive is necessary for most of us. But at some point you just can’t do anymore. You burn out, you hit a point of diminishing returns, or you realize that doing more isn’t going to get you what you want. [01:01] You hit a wall and can’t go any further the way you have been. So what do you do? [01:07] Well, rather than trying to do more, ask yourself if there’s something you could stop doing something that is significantly impacting your time productivity or anxiety level. CK: [01:18] Seems pretty obvious. Pam: [01:20] Yeah, it does on the surface, but it’s not. We fall into patterns and ways of doing things that we just don’t think about. And those things that we never question are exactly where we want to look for things to stop doing. [01:33] It’s not the things you think about and consciously decide to do that are eating up your time, sucking your energy, and causing stress. It’s the things you do without thinking. Somewhere in your day, there’s something that if it wasn’t there, there would be little to no negative impact, but a huge positive cascade effect. [01:51] It might be a task, it might be a person, and it might be a belief. It can be anything that’s having an outsized effect on your life. CK: [01:59] Makes sense. Do you have an example? Pam: [02:02] Sure, I’ll give you an example from my own life. Last year, I hired a business coach because I constantly felt like I was failing at work. I was forgetting to do important things for my clients and I was anxious all the time. And I hired the coach to help me put new processes in place, so I could get more done and stop feeling like I was drowning. [02:23] And in my first session, Sarah, my coach said that we would work on what I was asking for – if it turned out to be what I really needed. But first, she wanted to talk about when I felt anxious and how I felt at various points in my day. [02:36] So I said that every time I check my email, I would get anxious. And I told her about a client that every time they emailed, it was like a bomb being dropped on my life. Sometimes their emails stress me out to the point that I would lose sleep. Or other times they would need me to drop everything to meet some crazy deadline. CK: [02:55] Not cool. Pam:

Feb 17

11 min 4 sec

If you choose to do something for someone else without being asked to do it, you made the choice to do it, so you don’t get to demand the response that you want from the other person. But you can feel more appreciated without demanding appreciation from others. Need advice about something? Ask us here: https://forcesofequal.com/advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice, where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:13] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:26] Think about how often you feel unappreciated – like what you do for others goes unnoticed or like they just expect you to do what you do for them. [00:48] Do you feel like that very often, CK, or have you in the past? CK: [00:52] Yeah, of course. Hasn’t everybody? I feel…? Pam: [00:58] Well, I used to feel unappreciated a lot, both at work and in our relationship. And don’t worry, I’m not surprising this on CK. It’s not news to him. We’ve had a lot of open and honest conversations about what each of us needs and feels. So this isn’t going to be surprised couples therapy… CK: [01:16] Good. Pam: [01:16] But the need to feel appreciated was, and is, something that is very present in my life. [01:25] And I think that’s pretty common, like CK said. Most people like to feel like what they’re doing is valued by others. It feels good to be thanked or recognized in some way. [01:37] It can become a problem, though, when you do things because you want to be appreciated for doing them. And then when you don’t get that response that you want, you get upset. [01:48] You know, maybe you go out of your way at work to prepare a report that no one asked for, but that you know will be valuable. And then when you present it, the other people don’t see the value, so you get upset. [02:00] Or maybe you do the laundry for you and your significant other every weekend, and they never say thank you. And it sucks because you feel like you’re constantly giving, giving, giving… and people just keep taking without appreciating all that you do for them. [02:18] I know all too well how it feels. But I’ve actually been thinking about this because we just watched an episode of Cobra, Kai, the karate kid update show on Netflix, in which Eli, aka Hawk, gets a tattoo of his girlfriend’s name. And then she breaks up with him, and he gets mad and he says, “but this tattoo means forever.” [02:40] And she says, “I never asked you to do that.” [02:44] And that story fits in perfectly for this episode, because what I’ve learned is that if you choose to do something for someone else without being asked to do it, you made the choice to do it. So you don’t get to demand the response that you want from the other person. Does that make sense? CK: [03:03] Yeah, absolutely.

Feb 10

13 min 7 sec

Feelings are like the flag people in construction zones. They’re there to get you to pay attention to what’s happening and adjust your speed accordingly. They don’t get in the car and drive for you. Learn how to drive your emotional car. Need advice about something? Ask us here: https://forcesofequal.com/advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund. CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:21] And we hope that after listening, you’ll think, “hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:28] One of the most beneficial things you can do just in general in life is to get curious about yourself. We spend a lot of time judging and criticizing ourselves, but we don’t spend enough time neutrally observing how we think and feel and why we think and feel those ways. [00:55] We trust that what we think is true, and that we have to feel the feelings that come up. But most of our thoughts and feelings that come with them are total BS. I’m not saying that your feelings aren’t real, they absolutely are. But they aren’t necessarily the truth. [01:14] The truth is what’s behind the feeling – what’s underneath the surface of the feeling. And when you know the truth, you can feel less of what’s holding you back and more of what’s helping you move forward. [01:27] Emotions seem like things that happen to us. Like we don’t have any agency in how we feel. That we just have to feel whatever comes up for us. Some people get totally taken away by every emotion they have and others try to avoid feelings altogether. Some people do both. [01:47] We end up in this cycle of feeling everything, then wanting to feel nothing. We bounce back and forth between feeling too much and trying to numb. [01:57] We spend our days feeling stressed, mad, annoyed, frustrated, feeling inferior, like you’re failing or falling behind, being worried about money… The list of things you could feel in just a few hours on any given day is tiring just to list, much less to actually feel. So by the end of the day, or maybe by the weekend, you’re just done. You don’t have the energy for anything and you don’t want to feel anything else. So, you numb. [02:27] Some people drink, some people overeat, some people zone out in front of the TV, you just check out and do whatever makes you not feel the stuff that you felt all day. [02:38] You’re probably not even conscious that this is happening. You probably have a routine or habits that you do every evening and every weekend without even thinking about it. I know I used to stop working, order takeout, turn on the TV every evening, and then I’d just be there on the couch for hours until I fell asleep or went to bed. And on the weekends that evening routine would spread out over two days until I had to go back to work Monday morning. [03:03] It didn’t feel good, but I also didn’t feel anxious or stressed out. I just didn’t feel anything. But not feeling anything doesn’t make you feel better, and it doesn’t make the stress and anxiety go away. It just delays it for awhile. [03:20] And look, sometimes that’s what you n

Feb 3

15 min 21 sec

Do you regularly find yourself wondering what you actually accomplished at the end of the day? Try this simple solution for getting what matters most done first. Need advice about something? Ask us here: https://forcesofequal.com/advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund… CK: [00:20] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:22] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “hey, that’s not bad advice!” [00:26]You can’t be 100% on all the time. Productivity ebbs and flows like everything in life. But if you’ve been feeling like you haven’t been flowing lately, we’ve got some tips to help you get back on track. [00:50] The first thing I do when I feel like I haven’t been as productive as I like to be, is to shop for a new planner. For some reason, I’m convinced that if I just get the right planner, I will stay on top of everything and get so much done in so little time. [01:07] I’m wrong, but this is a pretty common reaction to feeling like you’re falling behind. We want to believe that there’s something external that can solve our problems. [01:17] And of course, having a good system is important if you’re juggling a lot of projects, but you probably already have something that works for you and you just stopped using it. So instead of looking for something new, when you start feeling disorganized and scattered, think about times you felt you were really on top of things. [01:36] What was different about how you approached your workflow and the structure of your day, then? Think about what you did differently and start doing that again. That’s it. Just get back to what worked before, if you’ve stopped doing things that you know work for you. [01:52] But if you don’t have a system that worked in the past, you can try it mine. [01:57] For me, I know when I get out of my flow, it means that I haven’t been prioritizing my tasks into a to-do list. I’m super productive when I know what to do and when to do it. But if what I need to do, isn’t really defined, or I don’t know what my priority is, I tend to jump around from task to task, never really finishing anything. [02:18] Or, I work on things that are easy or routine instead of the things that will really move the needle. Then, at the end of the day, I’m like, “what did I even do today?” Because I have nothing to show for the hours that I spent at my computer. [02:35] So to stay productive. I start each day by looking at everything that needs to be done and picking out my priorities. [02:41] These are the things that absolutely have to happen today. Or if there’s nothing urgent, it’s the things that will make me feel accomplished at the end of the day. So you can use this system with just pen and paper, or you can use a planner or a project management system. It really doesn’t matter. [02:58] Whatever works for you is fine. You just need to pick a maximum of three priorities for the day and focus on those first. Three seems to be the magic number of important things that most people can get done in a day. [03:11]

Jan 27

9 min 11 sec

Achieve big goals by doing the bare minimum. Really, it’s the least you can do. Get the habit tracker template Pam uses. Take the Four Tendencies quiz. Need advice about something? Ask us here: https://forcesofequal.com/advice/ Transcript Pam: [00:06] You’re listening to Not Bad Advice where our goal is to offer perspective that helps you improve one aspect of your life at a time. [00:12] I’m Pamela Lund… CK: [00:19] And I’m CK Chung. Pam: [00:21] And we hope that after listening you’ll think, “hey, that’s not bad advice.” [00:26] We talked about habit trackers a little bit last week in our episode about achieving big goals without punishing yourself into working on them and there was so much more that we wanted to say about habit trackers. So that’s what we’re going to do today. [00:49] And maybe you don’t think that you need to build any habits, but I know that there is something that you want to achieve. Some bigger goal that you have in your life. And getting there will require that you take steps towards achieving it every day. [01:02] And guess what? Taking those steps every day means building new habits. [01:09] So let’s talk about habits. A habit is anything that you do without thinking about it. The dictionary definition is “an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.” [01:23] And that involuntary part is really important. You need to do things without thinking about them, so they are just part of your day, rather than being something that you have to convince yourself to do regularly. [01:36] And we’re building new habits all the time. But they’re usually things that aren’t beneficial to us. [01:41] Maybe you have a habit of having a couple of drinks everyday after work, or grabbing fast food for lunch. You don’t think about doing it anymore. You just do it. That’s a habit. [01:53] And building those kinds of habits is far too easy. So we have to be really conscious about building healthy habits to counteract our tendency, to build less healthy ones. [02:05] There are multiple involuntary habits that I have built – doing things like pushups every day , writing for 30 minutes a day on side projects… These are all things that I have just been working over the last few months to build into my day – journaling in the morning, doing Oracle card readings to get my perspective for the day. [02:27] Are there any habits that you have built into your day that are now involuntary? CK: [02:31] Yeah, I mean, pretty much, most of what I do throughout my days have become habits and routines. That’s what I like to do. I like to create these routines or iterate and optimize on them so that they become more efficient and you create better and better routines and habits. [02:54] So this covers everything from smiling the first thing I do when I wake up and then meditating, to my daily yoga and sun salutations habit, and more meditation and breathing exercises. And then throughout the workday, I have my routines of specific

Jan 20

32 min 9 sec