Let's Just Face It

Rakel Colina

If you’ve been struggling in your relationship, there could be more to it than meets the eye. I’m your host Rakel Colina and for years I was in a very toxic relationship, which I didn’t recognize as abusive until the day I left. I am here to help you take a look and recognize their abusive patterns and behaviors, but this is not just about them. Let’s just face it is not only about seeing through their masks, but about helping you see through the issues that could be holding you back from being the best version of you. Ladies, let’s tear down the walls that could be holding you back from moving forward and living your best life, even after abuse.

“Facing small fears can lead to big changes” – Rakel Colina

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During this year I have learned a very important lesson as well. The more I talk about toxic and abusive relationships to help you understand that you were in an abusive relationship and help you with the tools to get moving away from this relationship. I have also learned a few lessons myself. Going from a toxic abusive relationship into a healthy relationship is not going to be as easy as you once thought it was You have to unlearn all the behaviors that you have learned. You have to change the person that you are, the person that you became to be able to deal with all this toxic environment and abusive behavior. You need to unlearn your trauma and you need to unbrainwash yourself from everything that you have been living through. You have to learn to stop people-pleasing and you have to learn to set boundaries. These things are not easy to do because of the toxic environment that we have been exposed to in the past, we thought that it was selfish and even disrespectful to have these things in our lives. We thought because of the trauma that we have been carrying around, that we didn't need boundaries, or we did not need as strict boundaries as we actually do. Get Break Away Journal here Instagram  Email me here 

Dec 2

16 min 45 sec

In this episode I bring along Brie Robertson, she talks about her story of physical & emotional abuse while also telling us about the 7 recovery stages of abuse. I was looking at my TikTok one day and I found her, immediately fell in love with her content. I reached out to her because there was one TikTok that actually hit me and I wanted her to share this with you. There's a lot of people talking about narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse and psychological abuse, but everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different point of view and because I want to help as many women as possible, I want you to know, you are not alone. Brie has been out of her relationship over a year now and tells us what she had to go through. She tells the story of the moment that made the click for her, how she felt then and how she is doing now. You can find her as From_The_Ashes10 and the book she mentioned - Educated: A Memoir from Tara Westover, you can get it here.  There's a lot of content out there for you to know and understand. For that reason I have been working hard on bringing you the Break Away Journal. This journal will help you break away by digging in your past experience and feelings to bring a clear understanding of the next steps to take in your journey. You can use the code BYE21 for a 21% discount through December 31,2021 *You can also read this episode as a blog here: https://rakelcolina.com/blog/51

Nov 25

18 min 50 sec

You're starting to see past this and you're starting to see them for who they are. Now you're stuck because now you see what you haven't been wanting to see and you're freaking out because now you don't know what to do. You're trying to figure it out. How to move all these different pieces, but you don't want him to know. They know, somehow they know before you tell them and their trick is that they're going to play it along. Like they don't know anything and they're going to be the perfect partner. Even though he doesn't seem like he's abusive because he doesn't scream, and he doesn't hit you. He is doing it at another level, it's an invisible level that you don't see, but when you see it, you can't unsee it Beware of this trick, and please don't fall for it. You will regret it faster than you could imagine. If you need help getting out of your toxic relationship, not only physically moving out of the toxic relationship, but if you need some help, emotionally and mentally. I have created the breakaway journal. This is a journal that explains what you have been through, what manipulation, trauma bonding, love-bombing all these things are, but not just that, gives you prompts on how to identify, if you've lived through it, it'll help you bring what you felt, how it made you feel, what it did to you and how to move forward from that. If you're looking to break away from not only your relationship, the breakaway journal is a great tool and it is on sale until next Wednesday, November 24th. It is 20% off. You can go to https://rakelcolina.com/store. Access journal here

Nov 18

15 min 25 sec

We believe that relationships are just hard and that we have to keep struggling through them and that is not the case. Abusive relationships are very different from hard relationships and if you don't recognize that your relationship is an abusive relationship and you work towards either moving out or understanding where you are to take the correct action, it can actually be harmful to you. It is not easy to understand, and because it is a cycle, it has an on and off button and it goes up and down and it's good and it's bad. That's what makes it hard to understand, hard to comprehend that you're in a cycle of an abusive relationship.   To get the Break Away Journal at 20% discount click here: Offer expires 11/25/21 at 11:59pm Full post here: rakelcolina.com/blog/49

Nov 11

14 min 31 sec

If you've been in a toxic, abusive relationship for any amount of time you've had this mentality for a while now, and you probably already even tried to change this person. Now, let me ask you this: how many times have you tried to change him? What are the things that you have done to change him? Next question. Have you been able to change anything at all in their habits, their personality, anything at all? No. I know because these people with toxic abusive mentalities, narcissists, don't change. You might want to make changes in a person, but this person will not change. It is impossible for a person with a narcissistic personality disorder to change. They don't change. They will put on a mask. Want to know if your relationship is toxic? Click here Schedule a coaching call, click here Full post here: rakelcolina.com/blog/48

Nov 4

13 min 27 sec

I felt I needed to become somebody different because of how badly I had been hurt and how broken my mind and my heart were from everything that I had been through.  There were a lot of things that I did not have clear, and I know that there's a lot of you out there going through this right now as well or have been through it and can relate.I thought that me being in my forties, it would be easier to meet somebody. Therefore, when this person showed back up, I said, it's like, "ok this is fate.  It should be it". I bent myself over backwards to be what this person wanted, what I thought that this person wanted. Everything that he expressed, everything that he said about his exes and his last relationship and his friends, everything that he was saying led me to believe that I knew exactly what he wanted.I hit every point that he had made and still when the time came, I was not what he wanted, because he didn't even know what he wanted. Download Free Guide Full post here: rakelcolina.com/blog/47

Oct 28

14 min 21 sec

I didn't realize while I was in it, that I was in an abusive relationship and I had learned to lie my way through the relationship.  Through the lies, I had found where I was safe. He didn't have to find out about certain things, and it was okay because I wasn't doing anything bad. I was just holding off from having a big discussion for having an argument or a fight with him.But I was lying. I was lying to him and I was lying to myself all the time. It became so common and so much a part of my life that I didn't realize every time I came up with a lie. I even lied to cover his ass.  I lied to the people that were around me that knew that I was in an abusive relationship and did not even dare to tell me.I lied about the way that he made me feel uncomfortable whenever he would call me screaming. Where are you?  Where have you been? When are you coming home? Who are you with? I had made excuses for him numerous times for my boss, for my friends, for the family. I had made excuses. Everything was a lie. And the biggest lie of all was the fact that I thought this was love.Another lie was the fact that I thought I loved him. It wasn't about love. It was about being scared to lose what I didn't know I never had. I taught myself how to lie and the best way possible. At one point, I realized that I was no longer happy that I was out of this relationship. I was just sad and as hurt and as broken as I had been while I was in this relationship.  And it was at this moment in time that I decided that to live in a safe world, in a safe environment where I wouldn't be judged, criticized, hurt, or accused I had to lie. But now it wasn't just me because these people were involved in my life. I had to lie about almost everything. It was already something that I could not do on my own. Therefore, this is when I taught my children to lie. I had to teach my children to lie so we could be safe from all these people around us, including my ex. We all had to lie.  We all had to have the same story.  It was hard to keep tabs on everything, but everything that didn't seem like we were living the perfect life, I felt had to be rearranged. Full post here: https://rakelcolina.com/blog/46

Oct 15

13 min 40 sec

The day we had officially moved out and we were sitting up in our new home, I told my son that I was sorry that daddy was no longer going to be living with us. His answer truly surprised me. He said that it was all better now because it was going to be no more screaming in the house and he knew his daddy was mean. While I was struggling to leave him without his father figure by leaving, I thought I was hurting him, but even though he was at a very young age, he had seen, and he knew. He knew that his daddy's attitudes were not the right ones. He knew how bad it made him feel. And it was starting to take a toll on him. This is about how to screw over the most and they know that our kids are straight shot to the heart and that's how they do it.  They use the so-called co-parenting and turn it into contra parenting. Trying to manipulate you while they're projecting themselves on you as a parent. They play the victim, making it seem that they are the best parent and you are just not good enough. They constantly attack you just to make sure you respond and that gives them the idea that they are in the right and you are in the wrong.  They don't care about what all this drama does to the child. It's about what is doing to you, but you can turn the wheels. There are three things that I can tell you to do to help you with this kind of situation. It'll never be perfect, but you can deal with it. Book Coaching Call   Full post here: https://rakelcolina.com/blog/45

Oct 7

13 min 16 sec

As women, we tend to be our own worst enemy. I know that this goes a very long way.It goes far and it goes wide, and it happens to the best of us. It doesn't matter if you have a weight issue, it doesn't matter if it's what you see in the mirror. It doesn't matter if it's about your career, or it said about being a mom. We tend to be our own worst critics and being in a toxic relationship can multiply that.In a toxic relationship with a person that will constantly put you down, makes it even worse. I know, we know we all criticize ourselves.  We all find something that we are not great at or something that we don't like or something that can be better.  We're constantly telling ourselves "I need to lose weight". "I need to find a better job".  "I need to make more money".  "I need to be a better mom". "I need to be a better spouse". Feeling like we're never getting to the finish line because we keep adding stuff to ourselves. Book Your Coaching Call   Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Sep 10

16 min 54 sec

When you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, the most important thing that you have to know and learn is that you are in one. Because when you don't know that you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, you think that there's just a problem with your relationship and what you're trying to do over and over and over again is trying to fix your relationship just because you think your relationship is not easy.A couple of creators found out and realized that there was this lady, she was talking about narcissists, narcissistic abuse and she was talking about what she had been through as a victim of narcissistic abuse. I had come across one of her videos and I realized that the information that she was providing was not accurate and it could actually put somebody in danger.The problem... she is a narcissist.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Sep 2

13 min 9 sec

The problem with toxic relationships is that because we already know that relationships are not a hundred percent perfect. That makes us think at the beginning that we just hit a bump in the road. And because you just hit a bump in the road, you think that this is something that you can fix and you start working towards your relationship in a different way.You start looking for different ways to work through your relationship. You start to look for the things that he does that you don't like, or the things that he's said to you that he doesn't like.  This makes you start working for your relationship a lot harder than you had been before.The problem with this is that it doesn't matter how perfect you become for him. It will never be enough because that is not the problem. You are not the problem in the relationship and because you are not the problem, it doesn't matter what you do to make yourself perfect for him.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Aug 26

16 min 57 sec

If you're in a relationship with a narcissist or a person that has narcissistic tendencies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Narcissists are always used to having the attention and therefore they feel entitled to it.When the holidays come crawling in, he feels, for example, like Santa or the Easter bunny, Jesus, or even his own kids should not be taking center stage. They should not be taking the importance or the spotlight off of him. Why is he like this? First of all, you already know that narcissists and people with narcissistic tendencies lack empathy - as a mom, an aunt, or grandma. The thing that you enjoy the most is seeing your kids happy.   The kids opening presents the egg hunting and so forth. When you lack empathy, you feel no joy in making others happy. There is no joy in giving to others. (for more go to https://rakelcolina.com/41)h Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Aug 19

19 min 59 sec

The reason a narcissist will give the new supply, everything you wanted or something that he had offered to you at some point, but never came to be. It is because they want to make you jealous. They want to make you feel like you were undesirable. And this is a very common behavior.This is done to devalue you and make you feel unworthy. If he gives the new supply, what he didn't give you, this will make you feel like you didn't deserve it. But the new supply is a better person for it, a better fit. And she does deserve what he is, giving her for a reason This is supposed to make you feel like you weren't enough and get hurt by the fact that you weren't good enough to get this reaction from him.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Aug 12

12 min 54 sec

. I want to talk to you today about sharing your message. Don't let anybody keep you from sharing your message. it doesn't matter what type of abusive or toxic relationship you're into or were into. You need to share your message. It doesn't matter if the abuse wasn't that much or it was a lot, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you were in a relationship for two weeks or we were in a relationship for 10 years, abuse is abuse and abuse is not love. The reason that we stay in these relationships is that we get trauma bonded and confused the cycle of love, abuse, and keep expecting somebody that is not there to show up again.But the reality of it is that it doesn't matter the type of relationship that you are into, you need to share your voice. Don't stop sharing your message. Your abuser will try to do anything to keep you from sharing the message. They will also use the smear campaign and his flying monkeys to reach you and keep you from sharing your message. Be brave.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Aug 5

13 min 10 sec

Now, what kind of damage can an abusive relationship cause?? Narcissistic abuse acts like traumatic stress, and this can lead to PTSD. PTSD is the way the memory retains the vividness in a persistent way of something that happened. Just like soldiers in war victims of emotional abuse often end up having brains that are hypervigilant and they're always scanning for patterns of similar emotions left from that moment of abuse and this is a way for the brain to guarantee its survival. The problem is that it tends to overreact in situations that are not dangerous.PTSD can develop after a scary or shocking event and it can also interfere with your daily function. Some of the symptoms of PTSD are insomnia getting easily startled, having constant negative thoughts, nightmares, reliving the trauma with either nightmares or flashbacks. Some studies suggest that this long-term stress can also affect three different parts of the brain.Cortisol is a stress hormone that is released during this abuse and it can damage the brain's hippocampus. It can trigger various mental disorders like depression and anxiety. This hormone is released during emotional abuse and other trauma-related situations. This is where the short-term memories are stored before they become long-term memories. This is the part of the brain that decides how, and when you're going to learn new things, and with continuous and constant abuse, these brain cells might shrink, and it may be difficult to learn new things. The other damage that it could do in the brain is in the prefrontal cortex. This is the part located right behind the eyes and this controls the memory and your decision-making in planning. This area can also shrink when exposed to traumatic stress during or after a narcissistic relationship, a victim can find it difficult to make decisions and the attention span seems to become shorter. Depression and lack of self-care tend to accompany these symptoms, depression and lack of self-care tend to accompany these symptoms.Another part of the brain that is affected is the amygdala. This is the center of the brain. This gets activated when you feel anxious or scared. This is where all the abuse memories are stored and this gets activated when someone talks about it on the contrary to the other two parts of the brain, the amygdala increases in size and this manifests as anxiety or mood disorder. The hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex, tend to shrink and the amygdala is the one that increases creases.Abuse comes in different forms, but the way the abuse stays with you will vary from person to person. You might be the type of person to remember every single detail, or you might be the type to completely disassociate from it.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jul 29

14 min 5 sec

When you leave a toxic, abusive relationship, the first thing that you say, the first thing that comes out of your mouth is why am I so stupid?And it hurts when you say these words because you feel that you were stupid. You feel like you were lied to and you fell for it, but let me tell you, it is not your fault. You were not stupid. You failed to realize certain characteristics and traits in somebody else because they were familiar to you. You are being a person that is empathic, A person that loves totally and holds heartedly would not have understood the type of person that you were getting involved with until you actually learn to know these types of people. It is not easy to recognize abusive behaviors in a relationship because it takes time for them to build-up to the abuse. By the time you start falling into the abuse side of it, you're already so deep into it that it's not easy to recognize.  Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jul 22

16 min 15 sec

When you're in an abusive, toxic narcissistic, any kind of abusive relationship, a topic that is very common amongst all of these relationships is men complain that they're not getting enough intimacy and the women complain that they have no idea why they have suddenly lost all interest in having a sexually intimate relationship.   You have no idea why you don't want to have intimacy with your partner. Intimacy is no longer necessary for you. Because when you have a regular relationship, you're being fed love constantly and your being provided for when you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, the love comes and goes and so does the need to provide sexual intimacy with your partner. It is very well known that men fall in love through a sexual intimacy and women need love to get to sexual intimacy.  Because the relationship in itself is an abusive relationship, the women are not getting what they require to open up to this intimacy.The connection is not there with the partner.  The connection is not growing and it's not being fed. Therefore, that type of relationship, it's not blooming. It's not growing.  It's just stuck.  When you're in a relationship that has more lows than highs, it is very hard for you to understand what is going on in your mind and what is going on with the way that you're feeling. I remember talking to my sister, to my father and my mother, my father told me great reviews about my mother.   My sister had a desire for it, and I did not have any desires and I was questioning her like, what is the problem with me?Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jul 15

15 min

 We believe that because nobody else is perfect, that we are in a relationship that isn't perfect as well. The problem with not recognizing that the relationship is toxic is that you will let things happen that tend to move towards the side of abuse. Toxic people are just that, they are toxic for you.The definition of toxic, according to the dictionary is poisonous. The other meaning is very harmful or unpleasant in a very pervasive or insidious way. The example is, a toxic relationship. Now let's look into what abuse or an abusive relationship is. The dictionary defines abuse as the use of something to bad effect or for a bad purpose or misuse. It can also be defined as treating a person or animal with cruelty or violence, specially regularly or repeatedly. Speaking in an insulting or offensive way to or about a person, the improper use of something cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal insulting and offensive in language.When you're in a toxic relationship, you don't realize you're in an abusive relationship.You don't realize that the things that you were going through and the way that this person is making you feel is abuse.    Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jul 8

16 min 5 sec

When you start in a toxic relationship, when you start to meet this person that will lead you down the road of a toxic, abusive, or narcissistic relationship, they start creating a person for you to fall in love with. They create a persona for your imagination purposes only and when they have you, they'll drop it. The problem is that we tend to not leave our toxic relationships because we believe in the person that we fell in love with. The reality of it is that person, never existed. You would live in a fantasy world where you think that the person that you met at one point in your life, you can bring back again.We had such great memories and he understood everything that I needed. That is the person that I fell in love with that is the person that I want back into my life. I am sorry to tell you, they're not coming back.They might come back in bits and pieces, but they will not come back the way you saw them at the beginning because the person never existed.  Once the mask rolls down, it never fully ever comes back up. Click the link for more...Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jul 1

13 min 9 sec

Financial abuse involves controlling a victim's ability to acquire, to use our, maintain their financial freedom. Abusers think their money is theirs, but so is yours. Not only do they want to control your lives, your emotions and your thoughts, but they also want to control your money. Why is this something that is not recognized or even talked about? This is a form of silent abuse. It is not commonly recognized and financial abuse can vary from person to person, just like the way to handle finances and budgeting. We all do it in a different way, and we all have different versions as to how we manage our finances.Financial abuse is about control, and you have to figure out how to break that control, because if there is financial abuse, more than likely, there is other types of abuse in the home as well. If they see that you have more than them, they want to deplete you, so they can control you or not necessarily control you, but they want to spend however they want to spend, they're addicts.   Don't let somebody else hold you back from what you want in life. You might be in a difficult or tough situation but remember facing small fears can lead to big changes.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jun 24

17 min 30 sec

In this episode, I took the most important details from the previous episodes to give you a better understanding of a few terms when it comes to toxic or abusive relationship. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jun 17

11 min 39 sec

The Gray Rock Method  is a strategy some people use when interacting with a manipulative or abuse partner or individual. It allows you to step back and simply observe, It’s basically the act of becoming as unresponsive as possible to this particular person’s behavior. It’s a way to deflect further abuse. This involves becoming as boring and uninteresting as you can be when interacting with your abuser. This is a way of trying to go “unnoticed”. The term describes a rock that is just like any other. Nothing about will be interesting, because it’s a grey rock like any other in their surroundings. They all look basically the same, so will you now. Grey Rocking is a way to make yourself an unattractive target.The Gray Rock Method will not work a 100% of the time. There's some things you have to watch out for, like escalated behavior. If this is the case, abort plan.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jun 10

17 min 2 sec

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. This happens when an abused person forms an unhealthy bond with their abuser. The person that is experiencing or exposed to this abuse may even develop sympathy for the abuser, this becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse and then remorse. Trying to leave a toxic or abusive relationship comes with a lot to manage. Not only will you have to figure out how to proceed once you leave this person. It also plays a big part when you have to start planning where you are going to live, how will you support yourself- if this is something that you could even do, thinking of the things they will use against you, all of these might make you feel like you are tied to this person and it may be hard or even impossible to break away. This trauma bond comes by the alternating of kindness, intimacy and love, if you want to call it that. That’s why these relationships start off with love bombing, making you fall heavy and fast for this person, which also makes it so hard to see the abuse. You might realize the first sign of abuse and feel all kinds of confuse to the point that you dismiss it. Especially when he comes back to apologize for this type of behavior. Or just say that he was just upset. The reason why this works is because of the good feeling you get when you remember when you fell in love. Those beautiful days when it started, thinking that this is what he is capable of. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jun 3

16 min 26 sec

A lot of people come to you and say, “you've changed”, all the while you have been looking for ways to change from the person that you were previously. This is a good thing! Don’t get discouraged, this means that you are growing as a person and others are taking notice. Keep changing and keep evolving. Don’t stop yourself from taking the leap and making the changes. Some people will see this as something good, others will think it’s bad. There’s people out there that like you and may be even in your inner circle, but even if they love you, they don’t want you outgrowing them. This happens a lot. Why does this happen? This happens because people see you growing and therefore, it’s a reminder that they are not growing. If you came from a toxic relationship, it’s very common to want to change the person that you had become when you were there. I know that you must have heard at some point, your partner saying you've changed. “You've changed” actually means that you are no longer conforming to what was requested or needed from you during this relationship? “You've changed” means that you have started to see the truth. That you have started to recognize the patterns. Means that you are waking up from the person that he thought he had molded into.  Every one of us wants to find somebody that loves us, to love them back. A person that shows you how important and loved you are.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

May 27

19 min 17 sec

You're not crazy. He's just toxic when you are in a relationship and you start to hear that you're crazy, this is definitely a red flag. When you are in a relationship, you most likely started this relationship by a feeling of being in love, feeling good around this person. This feeling comes along with the feeling of trusting this other person and being confident that this person is there for you. No matter what, because this is what they have shown to you.You must grow to trust and believe this person until they prove they can't be trusted. The problem is there is no physical evidence. The emotional/verbal abuser will leave no marks.  All the evidence is right in front of you, but you won't see it until you want to see it. The evidence is in how you start feeling in the long run.This is mental health awareness month and I wanted to let you know that you are not crazy. You feel like you are crazy because you have trusted this person while they have been reprogramming your brain.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

May 20

17 min 34 sec

When you come from a toxic relationship, sometimes it doesn't even have to come from a place that you've been in a toxic or abusive relationship, but it is very important that you love and respect yourself at all times.  When you face hard times and hard decisions in your life, hard moments that you have to navigate through, usually the first thing that gets hit is your self-love and probably self-worth or even self-respect.    All of these selves are very important because this is the real you, I want to let you in, in a little secret today, nobody can give you self-love, but yourself. It doesn't matter how much love you get from the outside.  How much people show you that they love you, and that they're there for you. If you don't have love for yourself, nobody can make this happen, but you.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

May 13

18 min 1 sec

What is it with these narcissistic abusers that gets you completely thrown off track? Not only do you get emotionally, mentally abused during your relationship but when you decide to get out of this relationship, you also keep getting screwed over.If you can't go no contact with your abuser, it's gonna be really hard afterwards, because if you have kids with this person, there is no way that you can actually co- parent because they're going to want to Contra parent, they're not looking for the benefit of your child. They are just looking to screw you over.When you are in a toxic relationship, you are being broken down mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. What you don't know is the fact that whenever you're broken down so badly and so hardly there is only one way to come back up and it is to rebuild yourself. No matter how badly you are broken down, You can always come back stronger.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

May 6

13 min 24 sec

Abusers want you to rely on them and on them only. They want to keep you in a little bubble.   They will start working with the fact that if you have a lot of friendships, still try and start breaking you from those friendships, little by little.     They will try to pull you away from the people that are close to you, whether they're friends   or their family members, coworkers, anybody that they feel is threatening to them as they abuse you .  They don't want the people that can take their mask off to be around you.   What they do is they start pulling people away from you.But what if I told you   that there's other types of narcissistic toxic abusers out there where they do the total opposite of this.   What if I told you that there's partners that believe they're above it all and they believe that they need to drain you to survive.  What do I mean by that?   There are men, there are so toxic,  that will cut themselves away from the environment.   Totally rely on you.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Apr 29

18 min 8 sec

If you were in a toxic relationship, you're not going to move forward much until you get out of it.  It's like being shackled and not being able to get free. While you are in this environment with this toxic, abusive person, even if you're trying to be a better person,  you're trying to grow as a person, you will not be able to "fix" yourself until you get out of this environment. When you start to work on yourself, you start to teach yourself that you love yourself. You start to tell yourself that you are worth something that you're worth saving, and it's going to send a message to your brain to keep trying to get out. You're not in survival mode anymore.  You're starting to take action to get away from this relationship. Getting away from a toxic relationship is never easy, but totally necessary. You need to get out of the relationship to actually be a better version of yourself.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Apr 22

16 min 22 sec

It might not seem like it, but you can get out of your toxic relationship and there's going to come a day that you're going to look back and say, I did it. You might be thinking that you can't get out of your relationship, but the truth of the matter is that you are not the only woman that has ever been in a toxic relationship and sadly, you won't be the last, but the point is that you're capable of doing anything that someone has done before you. If many women have done it, you can too. Whatever is your reason, I'm not telling you that you need to get out right now because just like you, I had to plan it.  The reality is that at some point, you get completely drained by your situation.  You open your eyes and you realize  you're not living anymore, you realize that you deserve better,   and you are worth more.  You realize  you are living a lie, that is not the life that you were meant to live. You start opening your eyes, seeing things in a different light, feeling things differently, notice things that you didn't even notice before, and you start seeing things for what they are. It takes time.  I didn't wake up one day and say, I am leaving, this is done. That's not the way it happens. The same thing with a divorce, divorce takes time and even  if you don't have a paper signed and you just need to separate from this relationship, it doesn't happen from one day to the next. I don't blame you, if you're telling me "I can't go", but what I'm trying to tell you is that you can. I'm not telling you that you got to move out tomorrow, or kick him out of your house tomorrow.   What I am telling you is that you have already realized that the life that you are  living, the relationship that you are in is not a fulfilling relationship.You have already figured out that this relationship is tearing you down. It's breaking you emotionally, physically, mentally. You can no longer tolerate to keep being devalued in this manner because you are a woman that needs to be loved and valued and needs to be understood and cared for just like all of us.If this is not what you were getting, you need to start putting your plan together and you need to start making arrangements to see how you're going to make this move. Do not feel afraid of what it will feel like when you're no longer in this relationship, but start to feel and imagine how it will feel when you start doing things on your own terms.When you can do things without having somebody bring you down and feeling bad about yourself. Think of the things that you will do when you decide that you want to live a better life. Think of the people that will be available to support you and be there for you when you are doing things that are good for you to better yourself to grow.I just want to get your wheels turning, you are a woman that needs  to be truly loved and not lied to and manipulated.  If you feel broken, if you feel like you can't do this anymore, I am telling you that you can, it's all in the mind.  The ways that you face your problems is with your mind. I know it feels like your whole world is crumbling and I know it feels like the whole world is falling apart, but sometimes endings are just meant to be new beginnings. Believe in the power that you have as a woman, as a mother, believe in the power of all those goals that you have, all the dreams that you have let go,   because you haven't been able to get to where you need to be. Understand that there's so much room for improvement and for growth.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Apr 15

16 min 6 sec

A smear campaign is an effort to damage or call into question someone's reputation, common targets are public officials, politicians, and ex spouses. When you leave a narcissist or a person with narcissistic tendencies, first of all, it takes forever and then when you finally get out there, you get your name dragged through the mud. I received a picture that said: " when a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you and misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that people will eventually see the truth just like you did".He can do this with the help of his flying monkeys. Inn wizard of OZ the wicked witch of the West, uses her flying monkeys to carry her evil deeds while she sat back and watched. This is exactly what they do.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Apr 8

18 min 4 sec

What is it really? Reactive abuse is when you, as the person being abused, lash out against your abuser, your response tends to be through screaming, insulting, or even in a physical manner. When this happens, the abuser has twisted the blame on you and make you seem like you are the abuser instead of him. This is another form of manipulation to switch you from being the victim to being the abuser. Doesn't make sense? I know.This happens because of the way that you are reacting to his toxic behavior. This is used to control and manipulate you into thinking that you are the abuser. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Apr 1

14 min 58 sec

When you start in a toxic relationship, you will start to get love bombed. What is that? You may ask. The start of any relationship can be very exciting, but love bombing has another strategy in place. He wants to gain your trust and affection very quickly to wrap you around in his web. Love bombing is about control, creating dependency and idealization of him.Recognizing some of the strategies might not necessarily mean that you're specifically being loved bombed, but it helps you to be aware and analyze your situation further.Number one: they can be over the top by sending or giving you gifts. This is not normal gift-giving. It usually consists of gifts that are too much or too soon, kind of a deal. For example, if you are in your office, he could send you a small bouquet of flowers, he could send you one Rose. He chooses to send this huge flower arrangement, and it is way too much way too soon.Number two: too much love way too soon, they start treating you as if you've been in a relationship for a very long time or that you've known each other for more than you have actually known each other. They started telling you that they love you. That you're perfect for them, that they haven't met anybody like you and this comes way before they actually get to know you or you haven't exposed yourself to that much. Ask yourself, does this feel like it's moving too fast? Does he talk about you being the perfect one or that he loves you when he doesn't even know you that well? number three,Number three: He wants you to believe that you were born for each other, usually telling you that it was fate and that he was born to love you. He wants you to believe that your soulmates, so he will use any kind of vocabulary that he needs to use to make you feel like you were made for each other. Like he was born to love you. Like it was fate that brought you together, making you feel like he's a perfect one for you ask yourself, is he using words like it's at fate? You were meant for me, you are my soulmate. You understand me more than anyone.Number four: constant communication, I know that nowadays we are tied to our phones more than ever before, but the constant calling or texting throughout the day can get to be too much at times. You might not feel this odd and if you have not had much attention in the past, it might actually be something that you're craving for, but keep your eyes open and do not let yourself be caught and just the emotion. It may feel very nice at first, but it will become old news as soon as he moves on to the next phase. Seeing everything on your social media, liking and commenting, or calling and texting, when you are at work all day long, might come up as a red flag.Number five: He wants your world to revolve just around him. He wants your undivided attention and he will get mad for you spending time with other people. Let me tell you a little secret, a healthy partner, respects boundaries, and you spending time with other people, especially friends and family members. This should be a red flag that's a bit easier to spot.Number six: he's intense wanting time and attention on a constant basis. But on his terms, ask yourself, does he want you to be at his Beck and call? Always wanting attention whenever he's available, number seven, he will say exactly what you want to hear and I don't think I have to tell you any more about this, but keep an eye open.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Mar 25

17 min 45 sec

You are not missing him. You're going through a process of grieving and you're not just grieving for one thing you're grieving for five different things that are going on in your head and your heart. It is normal for you to think that going back to what you already know is better than going through what you're going through right now, because you feel right now after leaving, after breaking the bond, you feel like this is not for you. When you are grieving, you have to understand what is happening. Today we're going to talk about the five things you're grieving for at this time so that you understand the cycle that you're going into.  1. There was a fear/love cycle going on with your partner at all times. Whether you fear him, you feared not having another discussion, another fight that just came out of nowhere, or whether you feared that the relationship could be over at any time.2. You're grieving the loss of a relationship. You were grieving the relationship you thought you had, you're grieving the routine and the lifestyle you had until the moment you left. Having a person to rely upon whether it's financially or just having somebody sleeping next to you at night, takes a lot of getting used to.3. You are grieving the person that you thought he was. He was just an idea in your head. It was the person that you thought he was because that's what he made it out to seem to you at the beginning.  He had a plan, he put it in the work to create the person you would fall for, to create the man that would make you fall flat on your face in love.4. you were grieving the end of the life you were building when you were with him.  However long you stayed, you were building a life together, you had plans and you had dreams.   it's one of the ways that he kept pulling you in deeper and deeper.5. The loss of the person you once were.  Some of you were buried in order just to survive it.  Some of it was constantly hit by the blows to self-esteem with the criticism and constantly putting the blame on you. You have been constantly gotten hit from all angles. You don't have to do this alone! You can join the FB Group, download the free guide to start taking action TODAY. Click on the episode website to access either one. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Mar 18

18 min 47 sec

Whether you are aware that it's a toxic relationship or not, it will start to take a toll on you on your health, and on your well-being. Toxic relationships don't start toxic because everything is perfect when it's starting and this is the point in time when you are both learning about each other and they take that very seriously.  They're trying to figure out your buttons and how you work when they push your buttons. You might not realize that you're in a toxic relationship, to begin with, but at some point.  This toxic relationship starts to negatively impact your physical and your mental health.  It does matter how long you've been in the relationship and the longer you've been, obviously; the more the damage has become.When you are in a toxic relationship it starts to make you feel insecure about yourself and that's how everything starts. It starts with the way you feel about yourself. You start to feel insecure. You start to question yourself,  your answers, your actions, over those of your partner. You start to feel like you're drained and unhappy. And you put all the pressure on you, and you alone. When you start to feel bad about yourself, you start blaming yourself for things that have gone wrong in the relationship that are not necessarily your fault. The problem is, that if you don't face the reality that it's not you, but the relationship that you are in, these situations will slowly start to influence your health, not just your mental, psychological, or emotional health.Three ways a toxic relationship can hurt you:It destroys your self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence. Destroys your energyEverything is sprung into negativityOnce you have been in it for a while, you start perceiving everything that you are living as something normal, bringing all your levels of toxicity to a higher level. Then you start seeking other relationships that could be toxic as well in their own way. It seems like it's normal for you and your environment and it doesn't cause you any red flags or any alarms. People have lost their lives because they have continued in toxic relationships that gradually have eaten away at the core of their personality. It seems like it's normal for you and your environment and it doesn't cause you any red flags or any alarms. People have lost their lives because they have continued in toxic relationships that gradually have eaten away at the core of their personality.You were born to be great. God created you in his image. So you are a masterpiece and when you are in such a dark place The line starts to get blurry and it becomes even harder to tell the toxicity around you, this starts attacking your mind, your self-esteem and your self-love drops to the floor because of the constant put-downs from your partner and any of the other people around you. You're going to have to put in the work to make all of this change. You're going to have to put in the work with yourself or One-on-one with a coach like myself.If you want to start right now, you can go to https://rakelcolina.com/3tips Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Mar 11

16 min 26 sec

Gaslighting is to undermine another person's reality by denying facts, the environment, and or their feelings. Manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people.  Most of us have been gaslighted at some point in our lives, But what is important is to look into our inner circle and see if there is somebody that is really close, that could be gaslighting you. This could have devastating long-time effects on your emotional, mental, and even physical wellbeing. I am not an expert in this matter. I am talking to you from what I have learned, what I have experienced in my toxic relationship and what I have researched about it. It can happen in any kind of scenario, but what is most common is in romantic relationships, but it can also manifest in other types of relationships like parent siblings, boss, or even friend relationships. One of the techniques of gaslighting is undermining a person's emotions and feelings to deny their reality. They do this by continuing to invalidate your feelings and making perceptions seem wrong. This gives the illusion that the victim is imagining or making up what is not there when they are experiencing something that is totally real. It's a way to deflect their responsibility to disarm you tear you down, but also keep you hooked why? We tend to be people pleasers. We tend to look to make these connections and make this person feel satisfied all the while he's deflecting and tearing us down because we love them.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Mar 4

15 min 4 sec

I decided to talk about a narcissist today is because I used to be in this kind of relationship, and I didn't realize what a narcissist was until the day I left, and I started hearing about other people with the same kind of issues.This is more common in men. When I broke up with my toxic relationship, I wanted to understand the reasons why I was feeling so broken down, so out of love for myself, so undervalued, no sense of self-worth, and all these things that tear you down when you leave this kind of toxic relationship.I decided to dig a little deeper and it brought me to the rabbit hole of narcissistic people, narcissistic behavior, and relationships and because I was looking for more information regarding what I had been through. I am in a position to better understand these kinds of people when you treat with them.I would like for you, if you are in a narcissistic relationship, whether it be romantically, or whether it be with somebody else that you open your eyes and understand what you're dealing with because when we understand are, we are and what we're dealing with, it's easier for us to take the correct kind of actions to correct the problem or issue that we have at hand.When we don't know what we're doing, we just feel like we're going around in circles and it usually feels like we're driving each other kind of crazy. Definitely not where I want you to be or feel at all.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Feb 25

17 min 56 sec

People-pleasing sounds like you're a very nice person and you're there to help everybody that needs you and you're available for everybody. Anytime. You're always the person that others look to for help and for comfort. People pleasers tend to put themselves second to any other person that they're trying to help. They have an urge to please others. They think that they need this type of recognition from other people. I used to suffer from people pleasing syndrome, I do not anymore.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Feb 18

24 min 48 sec

Not only are the worst kind of toxic relationships, the people that you tend to live with romantically, but also if you let anybody else come into your home. This is exactly what happened to me. I want to share my story because I want you to see through my eyes and I want you to learn, so these things don't happen to you. Having been in a long-term toxic relationship and a very short-term toxic relationship right after that one, I thought that I had learned everything that I needed to know regarding toxic relationships. Oh boy, was I wrong!Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Feb 11

21 min 42 sec

I started on January 25th on my fitness journey, to lose 10 pounds in a month, actually 10 pounds in 21 days, but this is the thing ...I don't have the same resistance that I had before covid. My lungs don't let me breathe as they used to before. I know it's going to take some time. I remember the workout for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and they were fine. When the Thursday workout came, I had to stop. It took me longer than all the other workouts and I hadn't realized that my lungs have been affected. Now that I am struggling it’s when I am realizing that we get to take care of our bodies. It's not a punishment. It's a blessing that we get to work out. There's a lot of people out there that for one reason or another, can't work out or can't work out as you can.Well, let me tell you, when you really don't want to do something, you always find an excuse not to do it. If you don't put something as a priority in your life, you'll always find excuses and those excuses will only satisfy you.If you want to get into a health and fitness journey, I will say there are five things that are really important for you to get into it and be disciplined and create a routine about it.Number one is picking your workout time. Knowing ahead of time, what time you're working out. Number two, that would be picking your soulmate workout.  Number three community. Fourth is meal planning. The last one is tied to meal planning, which Is your meal prepping.There you go.I am a coach and I help women find self-love, confidence, inner strength, and inner beauty after a toxic relationship.  I was there and I want to help you be better. That is how I found my self-love the first time around, through health and fitness. When I couldn't stand to look at myself in a mirror, I started doing this.   Fitness has a very special place in my heart because, after my toxic relationship, that is exactly what gave me life.That is why I decided to talk about this today. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Feb 4

22 min 5 sec

Toxic relationships have different levels during the relationship. There are about eight different stages and they vary in different relationships, but according to what I live through, I could find out eight different stages that I can talk to you about.  1. The first stage is that the relationship moves really fast.2. You tend to see the light of perfection in their eyes, but sometimes it feels off.3. As soon as you feel comfortable, you start to notice things are off.4. You start to get confused.5. At this point you start to experience gaslighting.6. More of their normal actions is trying to play the silent. treatment.7. You find yourself in a vicious circle of leaving him.8. Someone will end this relationship.One of my favorite quotes is that I never lose, lose. I either win or I learn, I would love this to be your new quote. You can say it every day. If you want to. I never lose. I either win or I learn. And if you didn't come out winning in this relationship, you came out learning.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jan 28

23 min 2 sec

Learn the difference between resolutions and creating your goals.   I hope that you fall into your goal creating moment and you start working towards where you're going to accomplish for the rest of the year. 1. getting a clear why - you're digging deep into your feelings and emotions to find the reason why you want to make these changes.   2. you need to brain dump, make a list without thinking, without judgment of all the things that you want to change or habits that you want to start, just brain dump it.3.  you will go through your list. You brain dump list, and you will look and you will find 10. Items that will be your goals for the year.   4. it's time to pick your locomotive goal. The main goal that once you start setting that one into motion, it'll help push or move into action your other goals.   5. get a clear list of actions for each goal. Bonus, remember to make a list of your 10 goals every week, and your mind will let you know which are the ones that are most important for you to start moving forward.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jan 21

15 min 5 sec

Don't wait to be happy when you get married,  when you get a house and you get a boyfriend, when you have kids, don't wait for other things to make you happy. I bet you're always on this merry-go-round thought that you're going to be happy, but blah, blah, blah. Either you need a boyfriend house, a husband, a job, more money, having kids, you look for all these outside sources to provide you with happiness. You think that you can hold off on your happiness because you don't have that and when you have that,  then you'll be happy.  But listen, there is nothing that is going to make you happy if you can't make yourself happy.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jan 14

16 min 5 sec

We need to take care of ourselves first. If we don't take care of ourselves first, how are we going to be able to take care of others? If we leave ourselves to be the last person, we take care of, how can we actually guarantee that we'll be there for those that we love? I've seen my share of elderly couples, and it is amazing to me to see how much, the person that is taking care of whoever is sick or needing is giving into that other person, but not realizing that if they don't take care of themselves, they won't be there to actually take care of this other person.You need to love yourself above all. To love yourself means so many different things. It only takes something happening to you to actually realize that if you're not a hundred percent tip-top shape, you won't be there for that other person. You can get sick as they're sick. If you don't take care of yourself first, if you don't put on your mask first, how are you going to promise to be there for this other person? How are you going to make sure that you were there when this other person needs you?Self-love is a lot more than looking in the mirror and liking who and what you see. It's about liking all the different parts of you. Loving and respecting yourself enough to let others see and know they can't mess with you. Knowing your worth and showing it through confidence. Having a high sense of all selves - self-esteem, self-worth, self- awareness, self-care, self-acceptance - these are all things that you have to have a high sense of. If you don't right now, you have to start building it. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Jan 7

19 min 33 sec

I fall prey to these comparisons, but always find my way back really fast.Sometimes these comparisons can be helpful. They can give you a blueprint for improvement and inspiration for the way you want your life to change.Other times they can be the means to pick yourself apart and see everything that you think is wrong with yourself. If you are looking to compare yourself to somebody else because that's what you want to look up to because it's something that you want to learn to be or act like that is fine. When you start comparing to somebody in a journey that is not your journey, you're going to start to tear yourself down, because you're going to blame yourself and you're going to find fault where there are none. Comparing yourself to others can make you feel lost. It can make you feel inadequate, deprived of feeling good about yourself or even feeling jealous of others. It can make you feel you're not where you're meant to be or even devalue your sense of self and self-worth.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Dec 2020

17 min 29 sec

The brain uses fear to protect us whenever it thinks that we are in a dangerous or painful situation. Fear in itself is a perception of danger or threat, it doesn't always have to be a real danger. During our lives, we develop these different kinds of fears, we need to learn to realize when there is a real moment when our life could be threatened where we could be in danger and we need to be able to determine whether it's the reality of a dangerous or threatening situation, or if it is just the way that we are perceiving the situation. We can encounter different types of fear like:1. Missing out (FOMO) - The fear of missing out. It's a social anxiety kind of fear, and it's the need to stay connected with other people because you fear that you might be missing out.2. Loss - This is a fear of losing something that can keep you from moving forward.  It can also be an illusion of loss.3. Change - The fear of change keeps you paralyzed in situations that might not be healthy or fulfilling.4. Failure - You tell yourself negative things about yourself to keep from moving forward. 5. Judgment - The fear of others thinking or saying things about us. Some of these fears are not real, just an illusion that keeps you holding back from your true potential. Take what's left of the year and make a plan to overcome them, to face them. It's time! Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Dec 2020

13 min 25 sec

It's always good to create good habits and to take the time to reassess your habits every now and then. Today I am talking about some good habits that you could add to your daily routines.   Habit #1 Exercise - You have to get your body moving. Exercising has many benefits for the body & your mind. Habit #2 Nutrition - It's time that you take care of your body from the inside, if you don't take care of your body, it won't take care of you.Habit#3 Sleep - Create a schedule that permits you to take the required sleep so your body is working at its best.Habit#4 Read a book - Reading (listening) to a good book could open your mind to other possibilities.My Top 5 booksThe Motivation Manifesto by Brendon BurchardGirl, wash your face by Rachel HollisEverything is figureoutable by Marie ForleoStart with why by Simon SinekEat that frog by Brian TracyHabit#5 Read the Bible - Connecting on a spiritual level is very good for the soul. The better our habits, the better our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health will be. Don't forget to get your worksheet here. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Dec 2020

17 min 7 sec

It's important to know what a toxic relationship is and if you could be involved in one. Sometimes you are so deep into your situations, you don't realize what is around you. When taking things for granted, you could be surprised at what you may find. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Dec 2020

10 min 11 sec

Too many times we tend to give too much importance to what other people say and that should not be so. It doesn't matter what others say, there are different reasons as to why people do it. Whether they are saying bad, mean, or even twisting the truth should make no difference to you. As to why they do this...We might never know.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Dec 2020

9 min 33 sec

In the episode, I talk about the need to create routines to start your day, as well as routines to transition into your night and get a good night's rest.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)

Dec 2020

7 min 39 sec