The Topical

By The Onion

The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

  1. 1.
    Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
    10:16
  2. 2.
    Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
    8:16
  3. 3.
    Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
    10:20
  4. 4.
    Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
    9:33
  5. 5.
    Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
    8:30
  6. 6.
    Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
    9:03
  7. 7.
    Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
    9:13
  8. 8.
    Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
    9:04
  1. 9.
    Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
    9:42
  2. 10.
    Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
    9:11
  3. 11.
    UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
    6:37
  4. 12.
    Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
    6:48
  5. 13.
    Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
    6:34
  6. 14.
    New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
    4:35
  7. 15.
    Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
    5:52
  8. 16.
    Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
    5:06
  9. 17.
    Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
    7:41
  10. 18.
    Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
    5:06
  11. 19.
    Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
    6:14
  12. 20.
    Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
    5:48
  13. 21.
    Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
    6:44
  14. 22.
    New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
    7:32
  15. 23.
    Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
    7:05
  16. 24.
    Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
    5:47
  17. 25.
    Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
    8:18
  18. 26.
    Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
    9:20
  19. 27.
    Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
    7:31
  20. 28.
    Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
    7:25
  21. 29.
    Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
    7:23
  22. 30.
    Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
    10:35
  23. 31.
    Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
    10:34
  24. 32.
    CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
    9:32
  25. 33.
    Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
    8:27
  26. 34.
    Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
    9:22
  27. 35.
    All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
    10:46
  28. 36.
    Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
    9:17
  29. 37.
    Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
    8:20
  30. 38.
    Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
    8:54
  31. 39.
    Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
    10:25
  32. 40.
    Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
    5:37
  33. 41.
    Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
    6:23
  34. 42.
    Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
    6:53
  35. 43.
    Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
    9:32
  36. 44.
    Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
    6:42
  37. 45.
    American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
    7:46
  38. 46.
    Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
    7:56
  39. 47.
    Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
    6:51
  40. 48.
    Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
    8:02
  41. 49.
    Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
    6:40
  42. 50.
    Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years
    7:50

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