Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

King Lou Fernandez

Giving Voice to the Things You Didn't Want to Hear About

All Episodes

Hey, you know that kid from History class that never talks? His parents are out of town this weekend and he’s having a party! We should totally go and be thankful for the opportunity to party, get wasted, and then just lose our shit and ruin all his stuff to teach him a lesson. Sounds … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 190 – Tales of Wild Parties from Reddit"

Nov 2020

46 min 18 sec

Oh, hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? As you may have read on the Lou Reads Facebook page I haven’t felt very inspired to record anything for a while. I started and stopped several episodes on drugs and one about some kind of porn-related thing but it all felt kind of done. Well, I … Continue reading "Lou Reads 189 – Biblical Gender Roles and How to Follow them!"

Aug 2020

1 hr 7 min

According to Medical News Today, “As much as 45 percent of men believe they have a small penis.” Certainly, there are a lot of factors to this low self-opinion. While I’m not going to offer a solid argument on all the reasons I think it’s safe to say that pornography featuring an over-indexing of massive … Continue reading "Lou Reads episode 188 – The Forums Measurection.com"

Dec 2019

57 min 25 sec

I don’t remember a lot from High School but what I do recall is mainly the dumb shit my friends and fellow classmates got into. Most of my stories from High School revolve around drinking too much and doing graffiti (separately). A kid did bring a gun to school but he was just showing off, … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 187 – NSFW Stories from High School"

Nov 2019

35 min 26 sec

Have you ever had this conversation? “Look, it’s my first time going to get a “massage” and I’m not sure how to make sure my “massage” ends in a “happy ending.” I mean, if it just ends in just getting my body relaxed with a real “massage” I guess that would be okay, too… but … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 186 – Rub Maps – Happy Ending Advice"

Oct 2019

43 min 16 sec

It wasn’t so long ago that DVD’s were the awesome collectables. Now, of course DVD’s are taking up space in your home because we all just stream everything. This month’s forum is all about people who hang out the AdultDVDTalk Forums. It’s a fairly active forum with threads that sometimes run for over a decade. … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 185 – Adult DVD Forums"

May 2019

56 min 17 sec

Everyone has problems with their friends and family. But sometimes it can be too complicated to actual confront them with these problems. Why? Well, maybe because if you did your friend might shoot you! Or maybe your family might also shoot you! Or, you know, maybe they’d just kind of think you’re a jerk or … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 184 – Complaining About Friends on The Internet from Something Awful."

May 2019

1 hr

Well, something happened last time and the audio file disappeared from the post… ANYWAY, Craigslist is an anomaly on the internet. While some minor tweaking and tinkering has gone on, it remains basically the same ugly-but-useful website that was it was when it first appeared in 1995. Over the years someone, I don’t know who, … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 183 – The Best of Craigslist –"

E

Mar 2019

41 min 53 sec

Greetings, friends and those interested in the more obscure parts of the internet. This months episode is a visit to the fabulously spam-destroyed pages of Artpit-Fetish.com. This site was once the home of a small number of folks that really liked armpits more than most people (if people think about armpits at all.) Now, sadly, the … Continue reading "Lou Reads 182 – Deep in the Pits of Armpit-Fetish.com"

E

Mar 2019

46 min 56 sec

Are you feeling the protrusion yet? Please enjoy this episode about milking your prostate. If you don’t know how to milk your prostate by the end of this episode then you just aren’t trying very hard…

Jan 2019

29 min 18 sec

As a married man who hates breasts I could not get down with this forum. I mean, who likes breasts? Especially breasts full of milk that are being shared with lots of grown dudes and ladies looking for some kind of Adult Nursing Relationship? Oh right, the people who used to hang out at Spicy … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 181 – The Spicy Talk Forums"

E

Jan 2019

1 hr 1 min

I think we can all agree that everyone loves that feeling when you go to try on some clothes and realize that we’ve gotten too fat to fit into then. I think “super proud, content and certain that we’re living our best life” is probably the best way to describe that universal feeling that we … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 180: Do you have the stomach to endure the Big Guts Forum?"

E

Dec 2018

50 min 37 sec

What happens to us when we die? What happens to us before we are born? Somehow the people at this forum know, with certainty, that everything is going to be alright. Especially after you die. This is truly amazing considering I can barely figure out what is happening to me right now, this very second! … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 179 – The Visit Beyond the Vail of Afterlife Forums"

Oct 2018

1 hr 15 min

Hey, I know that drug laws are lame and whatever, but what if I told you that you could get super high… legally! What if I told you that there was this drug that was pretty much like marijuana but was totally legal. What if I told you that you’ll have no idea what the … Continue reading "Lou Reads episode 178 – The Joys of Smoking Spice and K2 from Erowid!"

Sep 2018

59 min 39 sec

Hey, I know we just has sex and that I paid you for that sex because you’re an escort. But, I really feel that in this 10 minute encounter that we’ve bonded and I’d really like to see you again. And, also have sex with you again for money. But, maybe you’ll kind of be … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep177 Tales of Escorts First Clients from Reddit"

Aug 2018

50 min 19 sec

What’s that now? You want me to share some of my darkest secrets with the internet? Well, gee… I mean, I’ve seen and done some terrible things in my life but I’m not sure I want to post them on THE INTERNET… Oh, you think I should make a throwaway account in order to freely … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep176 – Dark Secrets Shared from Reddit"

Jul 2018

51 min 20 sec

You know that feeling you get when the world is telling you that you should take anti-psychotic medicine to deal with the invisible parasites you’re being plagued by? And you know the feeling you get when you tell the doctors you don’t want to take the medicine because it will just make the parasites sleepy … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep175: The parasite infested forums of The Cure Zone"

E

Jun 2018

50 min 20 sec

Have you considered marrying a man who you’ve only known through a pen pal connection? In this age of swiping right or left to instantly connect with someone, you can still find some people who are meeting people like it’s 1980 or something! Prison Talk is a forum for the loved ones of people who … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 174 – The Forums of Prison Talk"

May 2018

59 min 8 sec

I’m not doing myself any favors by reading from the forums of Solo Suck. I knew it would be tough to read and yet, I persisted. Just like Elizabeth Warren! Except instead of standing up to the GOP I stood up to my own stomach and challenged it with some seriously nauseating content. Now, like … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep173 – SOLO SUCK FORUMS"

E

Mar 2018

1 hr 9 min

Hey can you help me with the clasp on this thing? I was so easy to undo when it was on a lady. Seriously, I was a one-hand, no-look, two-finger bra-undo-er. But now that it’s on my body I’m having a hell of a time getting this bra off! Luckily the fellas over at Men … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 172 – Men Wear Bras – A Support Forum"

Mar 2018

58 min 14 sec

Here it is! The not so long, but still long awaited part two & conclusion to the harrowing novel The Human Santapede!.” I hope you enjoy finishing off this particularly silly bit of reading. I must admit that although a lot of the book was really dumb & trite, by the end I found myself … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 171 – The Human Santapede – Part 2"

Jan 2018

1 hr 32 min

Hey there! I was just thinking about you! Oh, I was just thinking that you should come over, have a couple of drinks and then, I don’t know, take off your clothes and wrestle me to see who gives who a blowjob. You know, just normal guy stuff. Where’d I learn about this? Oh, MeetFighters.com … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 170 – Meet Fighters: A One Stop Shop for Boxing, Wrestling & Boner Lovers"

Jan 2018

53 min 7 sec

Happy holidays! It’s taken forever but just two days ago I did a stream of myself reading from The Human Santapede on Twitch. I made it all the way to chapter 16 before I tapped out. So please enjoy this stupid reading I did! I just finished recording the second half of the book tonight … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 169 – The Human Santapede – Part 1"

Dec 2017

1 hr 31 min

Hey everyone, sorry this episode took so long. I’ve been too busy plugging all these Chinese research chems day & night to record. And while I am high as a kite these drugs appear to have removed my ability to read & write (I’m dictating this and hoping it’s carrot cake, rivets!). Anyway, I hope … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep168 More Trip Reports from the Forums of Bluelight.Org"

E

Nov 2017

1 hr 1 min

Oh boy, did I see someone with a case today! She was walking down the street and I could see her hiccuping and grabbing at her throat. It was so hot! Then I realized she was actually choking on some food that went down the wrong pipe. That was kind of disappointing so I just … Continue reading "Lou Reads posts from Hiccup Forum"

Oct 2017

1 hr

Hey guys, I know this is weird but when I come across weird websites on the internet I have this compulsion to share them with strangers in podcast form… Is it normal to do that? No? Oh well… This month’s episode is all about asking the Internet to validate your weird behavior. Do you have … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep166: Is It Normal? If You Have to Ask…."

Sep 2017

52 min 22 sec

So… I just wanted you to know that when we broke up I kind of went a little crazy. I was pretty upset and I decided that since we’re soulmates and fated to be together I would speed up our eventual reconciliation by paying real money for a love spell to bring you back to … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep165 – I Put a Love Spell on YOU! Because You’re Mine! Thanks, Ashra.Net"

Aug 2017

51 min 18 sec

Fetlife, short for “Fetish Life” (I’m assuming), is an online forum for kinksters of all varieties. If you’re vanilla (aka a normal sex person) then you probably don’t want to go there. However, if you’re into something… unusual… or just plain fucked up sexual weirdness, this is place for you! While I enjoy reading from … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep164 – Return to FetLife Mountain: The Destroyed Pussy Adventure."

Jun 2017

45 min 25 sec

So, here we are once again. Why do I keep coming back to the world of Men’s Rights & Pick Up Artists? Is it because their worldview, which they seem to insist is right by sheer will, is so incredibly negative and yet self-assured that it boggles the mind. I’m sure these guys would see … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep163 – Men Come First in the SubReddit of The Red Pill"

May 2017

1 hr 1 min

Hey guys & gals. I’m ashamed to ask you about this but… if I put my pee pee in a girls woo woo, can she get hypnotized by my sperms? She can? Wow, thanks internet. You saved me some grief! So this months episode is a trip into the forums of sexinfo101.com. It’s the typical … Continue reading "Lou Reads – Ep 162 The Forums of SexInfo101.Com"

E

May 2017

58 min 40 sec

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Podcast Episode 161 with service from your listening device to your ears. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in your ears for approximately 39 minutes. We ask that you please fasten your seatbelts at this time and secure all personal baggage underneath your … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep161: Tales of Stupidity in Airplanes"

Apr 2017

38 min 57 sec

Oh man, I can feel it. It’s almost there! Just a few more squeezes and I’ll get my reward. A reward of oil, dirt & bacteria. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll get some pus! Maybe some of those nice blackhead rods that come out on a Biore strip. I just wish I all this blood … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep160: The Scabby Forums of Skin Pick"

Mar 2017

54 min 32 sec

Hewoe. I’m a witty, bitty baby. Won’t you put a bwutt pwug in my bum bum? Fank-oo berry much. Me wuv oo… Ok… So… Adult babies meets humilation fetish in a meeting of the oddness. This fits into the Alex Shaw, from School of Movies, fetish danger scale firmly in the “Weird but not harming … Continue reading "Lou Reads Ep159 – The Sissy Babies of Sissy Kiss"

Jan 2017

48 min 54 sec

This podcast is an obvious tool of the MSM (mainstream media) to help perpetrate a fraud on the people of the Earth. I mean, you can hear that the “human” who is reading these posts is clearly either an A.I. approximation of a human designed to trick normals or an MK-Ultra brainwashed dupe. I feel … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep158 Conspiracy Madness from the Let’s Roll Forums"

Jan 2017

58 min 44 sec

Prostitutes, who doesn’t love them? I mean, who doesn’t love them as long as they give a full & real Girlfriend Experience and don’t try to rip me off and look at me while we’re fucking! How am I supposed to fool myself into thinking you are enjoying this if you won’t look at me? … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep157 Canadian Escort Reviews"

E

Dec 2016

1 hr 5 min

DRUGS! WHOO! LET US CONSUME THEM IN MANY DIFFERENT MANNERS! This time around I’m reading from the forums of Drugs and Users. This is a forum that rose from the ashes of the Opiophile forum. You may recall I did a couple of readings from that site before it closed. Far too many people start … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep156 – Tales from the Forums of Drugs And Users"

Nov 2016

1 hr

What up, my fellow CAC‘s? Listen, I don’t care if you get down with the local thots or you on that PAWG tip. All I care is that you listening to this episode of Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! This episode is all about a forum known as The Coli. The Coli is a … Continue reading "Lou Reads episode 155 – The Forums of The Coli"

Oct 2016

55 min 20 sec

Thank the bearded skyman that I haven’t had to deal with the humiliations of the online dating scene. Knowing how terrible I was at dating in general as a young adult it withers the soul to think of putting myself through that now. Luckily for me these fine people are online dating and talking about … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep154 – The Forums of Plenty of Fish"

Sep 2016

52 min 35 sec

What up, fam? WHOOP WHOOP! I got mad love my for ninjas! Or rather that is what I might say if I were a Juggalo. I am not but the people at the forums of FaygoLuvers.net most certainly are. Join me as I read a bunch of random threads of Juggalos and Juggalettes sharing their … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep153 – Juggalo Discussions from Faygoluvers.net"

Aug 2016

56 min 22 sec

I remember when I was a growing up as a kid there were two distinct periods when alien encounters & alien abduction were all the rage. There were shows in the 70’s like “Project Blue Book” and the classic “Alien Autopsy” film that was all the rage in the 90’s. My whole life I was … Continue reading "Lou Reads Episode 152 – Alien Abduction Forums"

Jul 2016

51 min 4 sec

What’s the matter? You look like you came down with a case of fin rot! Come on you can share your feelings with me. Catfish got your tongue? Ok, well you don’t have to tell me what your deal is but if you feel like talking about it I recommend checking out the forums of … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep151 – Mermaid Talk from the MerNetwork"

Jun 2016

59 min 33 sec

Ok, I admit I meant to push you off that cliff but I really didn’t mean for you to get THAT hurt. I guess in hindsight it should have been more obvious that a 300 foot drop may have resulted in multiple contusions. Again, my bad. But look at it this way. In 30 years, … Continue reading "Lou Reads episode 150 – Tales of Sibling Injuries"

May 2016

40 min 54 sec

Look, we’re all a little racist, right? We all dabble in little stereotypes we think are based in reality. You know, like all Puerto Ricans are carrying at least 2 knives at all times or black people don’t tip or that filipino people’s livers can be used to cure AIDS. I’m sure we’ve all said … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep149. The Horrible Racism of ShitSkin.com"

Apr 2016

50 min 49 sec

Hey, it happens to everyone, right? You get in the shower, you realize you need to poop. Now you have a choice, get out and have a weird wet poop on the toilet or just have a sensical dump right there in the shower. Oh… that doesn’t happen to everyone? Uh… yeah.. me neither. This … Continue reading "Lou Reads Ep148 My Husband Pooped in the Shower"

E

Mar 2016

30 min 26 sec

Oh my God, dude. Last week I was so wrecked. Dude, you would not believe it. I took so many drugs! How many? Like this many! What is the deal with 1p-LSD? Anyway, I always enjoy reading the stories of peoples silly (scary) adventures in altered states. Most of these are not THAT bad but … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep 147 – Share Your Druggiest Moments from Something Awful"

Feb 2016

50 min 25 sec

Hey guys, so I was at the club last night and there was this A.D.D Girl there who I was pretty sure was DTF. So I initiated EC and eventually got #close. I’m feeling pretty good about the possibility to turn this into a FClose by the end of the week. If you understood any … Continue reading "Lou Reads from the forum at ManWhore.org (episode 146)"

E

Jan 2016

49 min 35 sec

Hey, I know this is weird, but I have a confession to make. Sometimes I go on the internet and write anonymous confessions about super mundane things I do in my life that no one cares about. Like, how I took out the trash today and then thought about how we’re ruining this planet with … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep145: Confessions from the Pages of Naughtypost.com"

E

Dec 2015

40 min 26 sec

Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step back into the store. Would you mind taking off your jacket? Sir, I don’t care if it was a gift from your mother. I’m more concerned with the 10 pairs of FUBU hoodies you’ve concealed in your shirt. Oh, I suppose someone else jammed them … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep144 Shoplifting Tips & Tricks from the dead forums of Zoklet.net"

Dec 2015

48 min 36 sec

Are you looking to get ripped? Need shed some pounds? Do you need a safe place to talk about why if homosexuality is ok then incest should be okay, too? Well you might benefit from reading the forums at bodybuilding.com. Not only is Bodybuilding.com a great place to learn about your physical wellbeing, it’s a … Continue reading "Lou Reads ep143 Random Topics from the Forums of Bodybuilding.com"

Nov 2015

54 min 25 sec

I really don’t want to share any images related to this episode. Circumcision is a controversial topic. For me it’s a Star-Bellied Sneeches thing. “They have extra skin on thars!” If you didn’t know about foreskin would you miss it? Well, these guys would and they do. On the other hand the reasons for circumcision … Continue reading "Lou Reads episode 142 – Intactivism from the forums of Restoring Foreskin"

Sep 2015

40 min 18 sec