This is the Blank String podcast, staring Luke, Tim and Matt as they talk about things and stuff and junk and things.
Picking an all-around accessible and great game for children is tough. Really tough and game designers don't understand what a teeny tiny human needs from a game. Guided by Matt and Luke who have kids, and Tim who has money, we work out the ultimate game for children. The answer may surprise you!
55 min 33 sec
Sorry, we didn't get around to it sooner, but we thought we'd take a crack at solving the current pandemic. Put your fears aside as we have finally solved it! You can go back outside with your loved ones after following our advice (for legal and sensible reasons do not follow our "advice"). We also talk about the Matrix trailer, that looks so amazing and we're pretty excited about it!
49 min 36 sec
Matt and Luke try not to spend money, mainly so their pesky kids can eat and wear clothes and have a roof over theirs heads. Tim on the other hand has plenty of disposable income because he does not have those things to spend money on. Did we do something wrong along the way? Regardless of our life choices, Tim has some really cool stuff! We learn about his flight simulator setup, and it is pretty extreme and rad!
42 min 1 sec
The final part of the Shiny Crustations. Thodus, Lesleigh, Helga and Fabian made their way through a tortuous trap and into the back of the cave to discover the source of the magical crabs. What they find will change the history of the Blank String Faction in ways that are unimaginable, even for this DM.
46 min 20 sec
Disclaimer: It happened again! We lost an episode due to technical issues. In the missing episode Thodus, Lesleigh and Helga made their way to a cave where the crabs came from and met a young person named Fabian and with his remarkable skills, he created a massive crab robot which created a new hole in the cave. In this episode, Thodus, Lesleigh, Helga and Fabian make their way through treacherous perils in the cave. Will they pull through using their muscle or for once use their brains to get through? Both are doubtful!
33 min 56 sec
Disclaimer: The previous episode broke whilst recording so we are missing that episode. To fill you in, Thodus and Lesleigh finished their previous mission, they spent their time in between having a bit of a break. They picked up a new job to track down where magical crabs have been coming from as it sounds like Blank String origin. They are joined by Helga, a strong Goliath masseuse who works at Blank String and is the adopted daughter of Winston. They make their way to the town being destroyed by these crabs and find themselves on a ship. Who is on it, pirates? sailors? horny bards? Only time will tell.
49 min 45 sec
Continue with this winter's festivities! We finish the game of Pin the Tail on the unicorn with a very comedic and satisfying results then move onto Kobold, Kobold, Sorcerer where Lesleigh (Tim) is the Sorcerer and Thodus (Matt), all the dwarves and Klaus turn into crazy skittish Kobolds. Who will win? What prizes does everyone get? Tune in and find out! I hope everyone had a happy holiday season and that you have a wonderful 2021
1 hr 42 min
Thodus (Matt) and Lesleigh (Tim) celebrate this winters festivities by joining the Blank String faction in a couple of games. Several games including "Catch the Magic Mushroom" where the first person to catch the mushroom wins, no other rules exist. Then they start the game of "Pin the Tail on the Unicorn". Grab some snacks, sit back and listen in to this hilarious series of games. We hope you have a happy xmas holiday and we will back next year to finish the second part of these epic games!
1 hr 34 min
After successfully getting some Wisdom Jade, Thodus and Lesleigh return to the Blank String Faction HQ and go from Rank D (Initiate) to Rank C (Rookie). They are met by one of the factions founding member, Luke who shows them to their magically enchanted room and takes them on a tour. Did someone ask for high-quality voice acting? Well, Luke tries his best! Luke would like to mention (against out best advice) that if anyone from the BBC is looking to get voices for Love Monster they should give him a call whilst he is still available.
Last time on the Blank String plays Dungeon and Dragons adventure Thodus, Lesleigh and Eddie got into a fight with an Ogre. Thodus is currently lying in the mud bleeding out. Eddie, who is meant to be saving these two, is trapped under a rock. Lesleigh is the last person standing staring down an Ogre and her badge flashes, now she is ready for out first wish of the saga. Will it be a good one? Will she manage to save the day? Will they collect enough Wisdom Jade between them to finish this quest or will they get covered in more Troll scat? Tune in and find out as we play Dungeon and Dragons!
52 min 57 sec
Continuing their Dungeon and Dragons adventure Thodus and Lesleigh are digging in Troll Scat looking for Wisdom Jade. They met a very friendly Troll who shared a couple of laughs a few wise words of wisdom and helped them jump down his toilet to find some stones. Then suddenly and Ogre shows up, will these 2 Level 1 PCs survive a fight against a monster reserved for level 5 PCs? There is only one way to find out!
58 min 24 sec
Luke as the wonderful DM is guiding Thodus (played by Matt) and Lesleigh (played by Tim) through the wonderful and glorious game Dungeon and Dragons. Last time the two met Eddie who was their guide for their initiation job to collect Wisdom Jade which is processed by Trolls up Mount Lion Mountain. They start in a heated battle with an Orc before continuing their dangerous adventure up the mountain.
55 min 44 sec
We continue the D&D adventure. Luke taking the helm as an inexperienced Dungeon Master, Matt playing the not too bright yet highly dexterous Half-Orc Ranger named Thodus and Tim playing Lesleigh the Dragonborn Warlock who will, out of nowhere, go from placid to insane in an instant. They meet a Halfling named Eddie who is guiding them on their initiation where they will have to find some Wisdom Jade, an ingredient used by the Blank String faction in the manufacturing of wishes. The only snag is, they can only harvest it from Troll scat in the Troll reserve up the side of Moutain Lion Mountain.
55 min 44 sec
Luke is leading Matt and Tim on the journey into the unknown. A magical world filled with paper, pen, dice and... wait it's all digital? It is still the ultimate level of nerdiness requiring imagination and wit to solve puzzles, kill monsters, save the world and fall in love (probably)? Luke, as the Dungeon Master, helps Matt and Tim design their first D&D characters. As you guessed they made sensible decisions would really help them get through some complex problems and solve some expertly designed puzzles... What do you mean he has -1 intelligence? She is from HR? Is there an HR department in D&D? Putting all that aside, we love it and hope you do as well!
55 min 52 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim power on through the latest phase of the MCU movies in an epic style. There are some absolute belters in this phase including Black Panther, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Thor: Ragnarok and 2 Spiderman movies! So whether you have agreed with us or not, it does not matter because the best is yet to come. Much like the ending of phase III of the MCU, listen to the anti-climatic ending of the review of these blockbuster movies. If you are a true fan then you will flip a coin and if you get heads, skip to the end of the episode and claim that you missed it all because of the blip. Luke apologises for the quality of his audio in this episode, he has no idea what went wrong.
1 hr 6 min
After Luke's low score reviews and Tim's high score review and Matt's a little bit lower than Tim's we decide to continue with Phase II of the MCU. There are some belter movies in Phase II and we all finally agree on at least Guardians of the Galaxy to be one of the best Marvel movies (if not the best). Like last time if you do not want to hear any spoilers for these movies then please skip this episode. If you feel like you want to compare you opinion against these three (not) experts then have a listen of this episode.
50 min 17 sec
After Luke finished binging all the movies in the MCU he is now ready to give his opinion. Both Matt and Tim have previously seen them all and this makes for a fun trip down memory lane for them. Luke has a lot to say about these movies which are loved by so many people. If you have not seen the Marvel movies before and do not want any spoilers I suggest you go watch them, most are on Disney+. Otherwise listen along, see if they are something you would like to watch if you haven't or compare your own review with ours.
58 min 59 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim continue their quest for knowledge, for power, for glory and honour on the terrific game Zork. Many twist and turns along the way, a surprising plot twist which no one expected. They don't make games like they used to. Join us in what is most likely the finally of the Zork saga.
1 hr 3 min
Luke, Matt and Tim are back in the wonderful world of Zork! In part 1 we die by killing ourselves with a sword. In part 2 we die because a troll hit us on the head. Only Zork knows how the three of us will die at the end of this episode. So if you enjoyed listened to the previous two episodes of a character walking around trying to eat, lick and break everything they see then you are going to enjoy this episode even more!
53 min 37 sec
Join us Luke, Matt and Tim as we continue this exciting retro adventure! Last time we wondered if we could commit suicide, turns out we could with a glowing sword. Instead of continuing our adventure, we started again! This is really like part 1 all over again, but we get further than the first episode so maybe it is part 1.5. Regardless we push on. So please come and join us as we play an 80s video game which we are now addicted to.
55 min 37 sec
Any 80s kid might know about this little gem of a game, Zork. Unfortunately, Luke, Matt and Tim are all 90s kids and never got the chance to play such games. So we downloaded the game published by Infocom and decided we would play through and describe everything in detail to you, the listener. So sit back, relax and listen to the first part of the first Zork game. What do you mean you can't lick everything?
Are you, like Luke, Matt and Tim stuck in lockdown during BBQ season and are just bored of doing things the traditional way, you know, like on a BBQ? Well fear not, we have solved this problem for you by reinventing the BBQ! That's right! We are here to reignite your passion for the humble BBQ. We want to inspire everyone to go into their back gardens and create something delicious. Don't have a back garden, have no fear, this works anywhere is an guaranteed to be a safe alternative to a BBQ. Warning: we take no responsibility for any damage to self, others or property if you decide to go through with this IRL. We will, however, take responsibility for people having a good time and enjoying a great BBQ in less time than it takes to light a fuse.
55 min 50 sec
Whilst Luke, Matt and Tim have been locked up inside they have turned their attention to something which will no longer be the same, no not that, you dirty dog! The Olympics. So we have rectified this situation and created an Olympics which will rival that of the real Olympics. In my head, I can hear Matt say "This is the real Olympics", sure Matt, sure. Everything from quarantine javelin and shot put to the relay race and the COVID-19 chase. I am sure this will take off and if you want to join in, you can! It is free and amazing and we hope to see you at the opening ceremony with your matches at the ready.
49 min 41 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim are still stuck inside like the rest of you. So they take this opportunity to talk about what life will be like once we are all able to wander the streets free as a bird. We also forget to talk about this at the start and talk about Matt's new haircut for 10 minutes and Mrs Matt makes a cameo to force Matt to wear a hat, it does not end well. Hope you enjoy the hovercars in the outside world.
58 min 56 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim have been affected by this just like everyone else. They thought they would take this time to give everyone some advice on how to quarantine right!
1 hr 4 min
Luke, Matt and Tim managed to make it to the episode you have all been patiently waiting for. The one where we finally become some super filthy naughty boys. The 69th episode and we talk all things sex. It is great and well-informed information about all things sex. We don't mean to kink shame but maybe not we discover not everything is for everyone, not even robot alien on human action. Warning, this episode gets hot hot hot!
38 min 49 sec
The concluding conclusion of the hilarious 3 part series where Matt leads Luke and Tim on a pirate-themed adventure. Last time we finished the adventure Luke and Tim had taken over the ship and for whatever reason, with the help of an alien, sent Matts head back in time to be on the island in a fridge. Now Luke and Tim feel compelled to find out why there was a mutiny in the first place! Will they manage to wrap up the story in a satisfying way? Will Matt introduce several more keys which lead to nowhere and serve no purpose? Definitely. Enjoy this gripping conclusion.
55 min 21 sec
Last time on the Blank String podcast, Matt started some mad ramblings and Luke and Tim ended up surviving a desert island, this time they start where they left off on a ship with no plan or goal in mind other than to cause mayhem and chaos. Don't worry if you don't remember what happened last time, because we certainly don't remember and I am pretty sure a lot changed. If you love pirates, crane, aliens time travel or insane plot then don't miss the next part of another wacky adventure!
50 min 1 sec
Oh No! Luke and Tim have suddenly found themselves washed on a desert island, with no hope and no one to help them. Is this a dessert as in the geographical place or the meal? Will Tim burn things like he always does? Will Luke do something inappropriate? Do they both tear Matt a new one as he tries to weave a foreboding and intricate story with plot twists and turns? Listen to the crazy antics as Matt takes Luke and Tim on a tour of possible cabin fever (not the horror movie, more like the Muppets song).
51 min 20 sec
That's right, Tim is going on holiday (again) and we decided to help him relax and not have to worry about people who might want to ruin his time away. Anyone can do something simple like... carry a gun, but we at Blank String like to believe there is a better solution, possibly more violent solution. So what suggestions do Luke, Matt and Tim come up with to help protect him, Kirsty (the wife) and his possessions? Tune in and find out. Don't forget to share this podcast with your friends, we can be found on most podcast platforms, including Spotify.
44 min 48 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim have just about enough of being heckled and abused on the streets. How do we solve this? Secret service of course! If famous people can hire people to jump in front of a bullet to save them then why can't we? Why stop there? How do we improve this? I still don't know but somehow we do and it costs nothing! Also, if you want to hear some personal accounting advice skip to around 34 mins to hear Matt and Tim talk about money, if you aren't interested just skip around 10 mins of that discussion ;)
54 min 3 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim bring in the new year with a bang. They get together to design the greatest theme park anyone has ever seen. Failing that they make one which makes tons of money. Failing that they make one which has people coming back for more. Failing that they make a hilarious episode with typical Blank String antics.
45 min 1 sec
Previously on Blank String... Ash's Pikachu had written a letter to Santa and Ash did not understand. So Pikachu went to the Pokemon Bureau of Pokemon (or some ridiculous name like that) to get help from Matt as Psyduck and Tim as Snorlax, to take his letter to Santa. Jynx, dressed as a drunk Santa at the bar in a Pokemon centre tells them where to find him. Snorlax, Psyduck and Pikachu steal a truck, GTA style and make their way to the North Pole (or where ever Santa lives in the Pokemon World). Now we are all caught up, Matt shut your browser down and focus, Matt... Matt!!!!! Fine, let's continue regardless. Will Snorlax and Psycuk deliver the letter? Will they save Xmas for this small innocent Pikachu? Will Matt follow along with the story? Will Tim find more ways to burn things despite not being a fire Pokemon? Answers to these and more! Have a happy holiday everyone!
55 min 56 sec
Oh My Gosh! Did you play the new Pokemon yet? Luke and Tim have and are super excited about the game and feel the urge to tell Matt all about the amazing features of this game. After, what can only be seen as a concise and amazing review of Pokemon Luke starts Matt and Tim on their next Pokemon adventure cross annual Xmas episode. Get ready for cheap thrills, spills and a suspect Jynx as they aim to help Pikachu deliver his letter to Santa.
50 min 53 sec
Matt, Luke and Tim are all avid gamers and nothing excites them more than knocking out a quick round of Wii golf or banging some zombie flesh with their shotguns. So let's take a bit of a break from tradition and just have a relaxed episode of 3 dudes who are all pretty much the same age talk about some of the favourite gaming memories and how it all started. Apologies for the audio, Luke could not get access to his normal mic. Hopefully you will enjoy it all the same.
52 min 59 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim have just about had enough of the country they are in. So many things could easily be improved. Instead of working on those things and trying to make their current situation better for themselves and everyone else, they start their own country. So it turns out that starting a country is not all that difficult, especially if these 3 clowns can work it out. We look forward to reading your application to join.
58 min 24 sec
As our journey comes to an epic conclusion, we are left to wonder, how will Matt tie up all of the loose ends he has created? He won't? Well, okay then 🤷♀️
1 hr 2 min
Our heroes embark on a perilous quest to find the stolen recipe, but just how many walls made of bread can one person eat?
56 min 18 sec
Matt takes the helm of HMS Blank String and takes the boys on a wild adventure which is about as well planned out as this synopsis. Luke & Tim are a pair of humble bakers with suspiciously vague living arrangements, but when a mysterious stranger visits their bakery their lives are about to change forever! Who? What? Why? Where? And possibly other questions. It's Blank String!
45 min 54 sec
The final epic show down between Godzilla and Pollozilla. Who will become the new best Godzilla? Listen to how Matt continues to mess around with the rules in order to almost make the episode going over into another episode. Also, how Tim, with his classic "burn all the things" attitude, goes ahead and burns all the things. This one is a wild ride!
1 hr 1 min
Not the movie, that is something else. I heard it is better, but who has time verify? In the meantime, Luke has asked Matt and Tim to be God Father to his latest edition to his family. But who is going to be the better God Father? After a series of gruelling scenarios, we have an answer. I would go so far as to say that they are role models to all God Fathers. Let me set the scene for you: Everyone in Theo's family has died in a horrible skiing accident. One of those where you wear a parachute and jump off a cliff; but at the last minute a moose gets in the way and drags you over another cliff and you land in a boat which sails you down some rapids, only to find that you are in a cave. Grrrr! What's that a bear? OH NO! Now a bear is mauling you and you run, holding your dislodged eye in your hand. Then some tourists see you and they are like "how's it going, are you a local?" and you scream in their face "help, help I am dying" and they laugh and say "well come with us, friend". Turns out they are not tourists, they are in fact killer gorillas in human skin outfits. They skin you alive and leave you to dry out with the other humans, then suddenly you are saved by a travelling circus. Because no one knows who you are and you are so traumatised they call you "the man with no skin" and make loads of from your horrible state. Then suddenly you see a woman across the room, you think she is into you and you offer to buy her a drink, turns out it was the bear and he mauls you again Grrr!. You know. Also, everyone else died whilst waiting for you to get back.
45 min 10 sec
The bit you have all been waiting for, the final showdown. In this epic twist, Luke accidentally ticked off Godzilla, and now Matt and Tim have to pay the price? That's right, they jettison to the moon and cook up Pollozilla to put an end Godzilla. It is the glorious last part of... Nope, Matt and Tim took their time as usual coming up with ways to mess around with Luke's rich story and try their hardest to find ways to ultimately mess with the mechanics. Want to see what happens when Godzilla gets a prostate examination using hot hot sauce? Well listen to the end to find out!
51 min 47 sec
In the previous episode Luke, Matt and Tim created their very own Godzilla. It is possibly going to be the greatest Godzilla anyone has ever seen. However in order to prepare for the next episode the gang design a base which will withstand the real Godzilla. I am sure everyone going to Area 51 will want see some of the many defences we have come up with, and if they don't you could get them to listen to this episode. Honestly I am pretty sure they are going to want to upgrade all their services to use Blank String the ultimate defence system.
45 min 28 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim take on one of the greatest and well known monsters from cinematic history. In this first part they analyse, with expert precision, what makes a great Godzilla. Failing that they then design a Godzilla of their own in preparation to stop the end of the world from a rampaging oversized lizard!
49 min 23 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim rack their brains to come up with the greatest start ups of all time. Well at least Matt and Tim give it a good go, who knows what Luke was on during this episode. If you are either a Shark or a Dragon I suggest you take a cheeky listen and invest hard and fast now before we it is too late.
55 min 24 sec
Labour is horrible and 66.667% of the men on this podcast have previously been involved in process. But 100% of the men on this podcast say "now is the time to improve child labour". Introducing the new and improved child labour, it's quick, it's painless and it is risk free! What is it? Well listen and find out how Luke, Matt and Tim work out the next iteration of child labour. Parents-to-be, you're welcome!
56 min 50 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim discuss the last season of Game of Thrones. This episode was recorded early into the season (after episode 2) but will be released well after the last episode has aired. You will be amazed how accurate these three rad dudes are. I mean, especially Matt who was most probably the closest to what actually happened. You will listen to the nonsense that he says and think "what an idiot, that is a dumb ending, no one would want to watch that". That said if D&D had of told everyone the actual ending they would of said the exact same thing.
54 min 11 sec
Tim gets a new bed or something like that. It's not important because after help from Matt and Luke they design the perfect sleeping conditions. So if you have been awake for too long and need a night of sleep, just implement the solution we have for you and you will soon be in the land of Nod. Or just listen to this episode, it's an either/or situation.
51 min 43 sec
Luke, Matt and Tim want a slice of the blockbuster super hero movie franchise. They take it upon themselves to create the greatest super hero franchise ever and show that is easy to do! Introducing Sauce Man, or was it Source Dude? Now let the money rain in.
45 min 29 sec
After an extra long series of yet another baking competition Luke claims that Blank String can do a better job. So together with Matt and Tim, they design a cooking competition like no one has ever seen. It's dangerous, it's thrilling, it also has a bonus rounds where humans step aside and dogs take over as chefs. What more could you want?
46 min 54 sec