Juergen' It

Sam and Jordan Canning

Hi! We’re two brothers who are watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager because, I don’t know, I guess there’s just nothing better to do. Sorry about everything!

All Episodes

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Oct 27

13 min 3 sec

If you're not subscribed to the feed for our new podcast, Kyle X Why?, this is your reminder to go do that! Here's the first episode! We think it's good, and so do you. Welcome to the first and only podcast all about Kyle XY! Remember Kyle XY? The show with the guy who has no belly button? Your favorite ABC Family podcasters Sam and Jordan are here to find out if it's actually any good, and more importantly, why doesn't he have a belly button? This week, we watch S01E01, in which Kyle pisses his pants and loves it. Alright then! Welcome to the show! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Nov 2020

1 hr 57 min

This is it! In our very special 150th episode finale, we finish off the remaining chapters of My Remake Of. Will Amy come out of her coma? Yes, almost immediately! What will happen next? Well, mostly a lot of hanging out and talking about a story that's happening somewhere else. Don't worry though, they're going out with a bang. This week, we need all your commas in the chat. Thank you and goodbye! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Oct 2020

1 hr 41 min

Time to celebrate! We're coming toward the ending of My Remake Of with chapters 35-40 and Amy is finally happy for the first time in her life! Thank god! Don't get too comfortable though, Amy, because Ricky is going to shake things up with a fun and normal surprise to give your wife. This week, we're walking and talking and holding babies. Don't forget to read your bible after listening to this episode! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Oct 2020

1 hr 25 min

Good news, teens: it's Amy's day! It's time to celebrate, and what better way than reading chapters 30-34 of My Remake Of? As the funny four enjoy their breakfast dinner, Ben announces his plans to steal Ashley's baby. Will he get away with it? Or will we completely forget about it and do something else instead? This week, everyone is talking about eggs - even Ashely! See you next thyme! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Oct 2020

1 hr 17 min

Bad news, folks. Juergen' It officially peaked last week. How do you follow up chapters 15-21 of My Remake Of? I guess you follow it up with chapters 22-29 of My Remake Of. Just in terms of numbers. Amy and Ricky are back from last week's uhhh excursion, so it's time to have another one. It's like a picture out of a fairy tale! This week, the memoirs are making us flinch. Thanks for coming, Jax! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Sep 2020

1 hr 15 min

Well, here we are. After 145 episodes, we have finally arrived at the greatest thing ever written by anyone. It's chapters 15-21 of My Remake Of, where you all finally learn what Sam has been keeping to himself all this time. A series of chapters so wonderful, we recorded the episode at 11 AM because we couldn't bear to wait. This week, we're getting into badrickification. "It's good!" Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Sep 2020

1 hr 21 min

GOOD NEWS! This week we're reading chapters 9-13 of My Remake Of, and we've finally arrived at one of the funniest lines in the entire fanfic, and perhaps the entirety of fanfic in general. ElizabethAndVictoria has truly outdone herself this week, and by ElizabethAndVictoria I of course mean special Intimate and Violent Things guest writer Margo. This week, we're doing an instanding Irish accent. Thank god it's almost over! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Sep 2020

1 hr 27 min

Hey, remember in the last fanfic where Amy was in labor for like 15 chapters? Well, it's episode 2 of My Remake Of and Amy has the baby in this one. Wow! The pacing of it! We're reading chapters 3-8 and boy do they go by in a flash. This podcast will be over before we know it, but we're enjoying it while it lasts. This week, we've got a special guest writer for the really messed up stuff. Come on in, Margo! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Sep 2020

1 hr 15 min

Good rnorning! The final season begins! We're rounding out our podcast with a beautiful fanfic called "My remake of: The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by Wattpad user ElizabethandVictoria, starting with the very long chapter 1 and the not as long chapter 2. We begin immediately after Amy's high school graduation, and boy, she has some things to say about the choices she made in the Secret Life finale! This week, we have no chance and no chonce. Thanks, jeffslil[redacted]! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Aug 2020

1 hr 47 min

It's done! We finish season 6 of Juergen' It with chapters 56-58 of Together Forever, plus chapter 1 (of 1) of the sequel, ironically titled Moving On. What a ride it's been! So what if all of the drama and intrigue created over the past several chapters may as well have never happened? We had fun, and that's what matters. This week, Amy is piercing eyes. Next week, the final season begins!!! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Aug 2020

1 hr 33 min

It's almost over! We're reading chapters 53-55 of Together Forever and there's not much time left so let's introduce some new plot threads, why not? Anne has introduced her conspiracy theory to the story, and time will tell if it actually goes anywhere, but also what if Brayleigh was in danger again? Anyway, forget about that, we've got Ramy stuff to deal with! That's way more important! This week, we're heating it up - but you'll never guess what "it" is! (It's bread!) Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Aug 2020

1 hr 10 min

Amy and the baby have survived the birth, but are they truly out of the woods? Yes! Okay, great, but what if they weren't? Ahhh!!! Oh no!!!! Welcome to the drama of Together Forever chapters 51 and 52! I guess this is why Brenda always saved all the plot for the very end of the season. What happens when you resolve the tension too early? Let's find out! This week, our favorite author has a new inspirational quote for us. It's going to change the way you think of questions forever! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Aug 2020

1 hr 9 min

What an exciting week! In addition to being the 2 year anniversary of Together Forever, it's also the 50th episode of Together Forever! Join us in celebration as we discover the fate of Amy and Ricky's new baby (she's fine) as well as the name of Amy and Ricky's new baby (she's *********). Also, George's hair is back and longer than ever! This week, our eyes lifted. Ammoni-yay! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Aug 2020

1 hr 14 min

She... Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jul 2020

1 hr 21 min

Don't let the episode title fool you; this is an incredibly eventful episode of Juergen' It! In addition to reading chapters 42 through 45 of Together Forever; we also get three author's notes! Magicofessence, you're spoiling us! Also; Sam and Jordan perform a hauntingly beautiful duet and Jordan invents a hauntingly beautiful new Ricky voice. This week; we've discovered semicolons. It's like a comma; but classier! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jul 2020

1 hr 13 min

This is an intense one, so our listeners over the age of 60 may want to empty their bowels first. Fortunately, the Wattpad ads have you covered! We're reading chapters 39-41 of Together Forever, and things are getting serious! Amy is about to give birth, and her life hangs in the balance (she's fine) - but can she really trust this mysterious doctor? What kind of a name is Zarb, anyway? Maltese? Oh, ah, well, uh, that's fine then. This week, we're apologizing to all of our listeners who are from anywhere. Sorry we can't be Benjamin Ayres. Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jul 2020

1 hr 12 min

I hope you're ready to learn about our favorite Wattpad author! We start this week's reading with another Q&A with magicofessence, asking all the questions you're dying to know: when is the next update coming? Will this season be on Netflix?? Then we read chapters 37 and 38 of Together Forever, and find out how Amy is doing after her recent bout of blood explosion disease. She's fine! This week, we're listening to music... and its lyrics! We neef it! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jul 2020

1 hr 16 min

On this week's very haunted episode of Juergen' It, we read chapters 34-36 of Together Forever. Amy and Ricky are beginning to begin the start of something beautiful and make a family photo, or whatever is happening in the story right now. It's mostly just belly rubbing, I think. If only Ben was here to enjoy it with us! This week, Amy's back... and not the Amy you're thinking of! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jun 2020

1 hr 18 min

Grab a seat at the quicksand table and pour yourself a nice green glass of water, it's time for Juergen' It! We're reading chapters 31-33 of Together Forever, and I think we're finally seeing the long-fabled Good Ricky. And... oops, he's gone! This week, we're learning the meaning of Dicky. (It's just Ricky.) Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jun 2020

1 hr 9 min

On this momentous episode of Juergen' It, we're reading chapters 28-30 of Together Forever. We're finally returning to California. How have things changed since we left, maybe two episodes ago? Is our favorite gas station still there? Find out! This week, you're invited to join us in the private conversation room. We're talking, laughing, and eating snacks! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jun 2020

1 hr 21 min

Bad news, everyone. Amy went on a date with her doctor and there's nothing we can do about it. On the bright side, we got to read chapters 26 and 27 of Together Forever, so that's pretty cool! Amy has officially dropped out of college and is heading back to California, which is probably fine and perfectly safe. After all, her doctor told her so, right before slipping a creepy note into her pocket! Sounds fine to me! This week, we're forgetting Bowman, Marshall. Happy Nindento Day! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jun 2020

1 hr 19 min

You're finally awake! Welcome to an unusually Elder-Scrolls-reference-heavy episode of Juergen' It, where we're reading chapters 25 and 26 of Together Forever, plus a couple of author's notes. Our favorite Wattpad author is here with answers to our many questions, including why Clementine was holding a pie. Thank god! This week, we're checking in at Weenie Hut Beneral. Hope you're ready for the next episode! Sam | Jordan Twitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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May 2020

56 min 43 sec

Brace yourselves for this episode, folks. This episode will shock you to your core… disturb your very soul… It is fair to say that the contents of this episode will change your life forever. Anyway, let’s have dinner first! Yum yum! After that, we can read Together Forever chapters 22 and 23, plus several author’s notes. Will Ricky confess his crimes to Clementine? What figurines does Amy have? What IS the Mouthfeel of Greer? We’ve got questions, and magicofessence has answers. This week, we’re flexing our pipes on some Evanescence. Looks like Ricky’s not the only butcher in town!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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May 2020

1 hr 14 min

Video games? Never heard of ’em! We’re back for another regular episode of Juergen’ It to read chapters 20 and 21 of Together Forever. George has called a meeting of the council of elders to discuss Ricky’s trick, and Amy’s professor/advisor/counselor [???? editor’s note: figure out what this character’s job is] Julianne Moore is back with a trick of her own. It’s, uh, really something! This week, I guess it’s Clem now! Can you believe this?!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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May 2020

1 hr 23 min

This podcast is cool, but I wish there was a way to find the geeks and gamers in the crowd. Maybe this will do it: it’s chapters 18 and 19 of Together Forever, but that’s not all! There’s also half an hour of GamerTalk! If you’re not interested, feel free to stop listening after Sam does Evanescence karaoke. Or better yet, stop listening right before that! This week, we’re trying to stay sarcastic. “Sorry!”Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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May 2020

1 hr 3 min

On this very regular Juergen’ It, we read chapters 15-17 of Together Forever. Sam is very well rested, and is keeping it together just fine. Also, Anne doesn’t look wondered in this one. If you can spot the lies in this episode description, congratulations! You’re ready to listen to this classic episode. This week, I forgot to mention it but the Wattpad description says that the character of Mrs. Miller is played by Julianne Moore. Cool!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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May 2020

1 hr 15 min

After the debacle of last week’s episode, we’re feeling very normal and ready to bring you a normal episode. It’s chapters 12-14 of Together Forever, and some secrets are coming out…! Don’t get too excited, they’re exactly the secrets you’d expect. Just classic Amy things! Speaking of things you’d expect, George is doing work at his job. Wow! That’s so interesting! This week, we’re heading down the Old Habits Road. That’s right: I Am Mad at Ricky Again.Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Apr 2020

1 hr 8 min

Have you ever wondered what a Juergen’ It episode would be like with Sam barely conscious? No? Well, too bad! We’re reading chapters 10 and 11 of Together Forever, and it’s hard to write a description for this one because it’s mostly a sleep-deprived blur. Considering some of the things we said on this episode, maybe that’s a good thing. Don’t worry, you’ll like it! This week, we’re opening Handora’s Box. We’re also closing it back up and throwing it into a fire.Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Apr 2020

1 hr 11 min

Exciting news! It’s Juergen’ It’s 100th anniversary, and everyone who graduated from the podcast last month is invited to the reunion! We’re reading chapters 6-9 of Together Forever, and the drama is really starting to kick in. Clementine is here, and she’s pissed. Amy is back in New York, and she’s also pissed, and she’s also back in California. I can’t keep up! Thankfully magicofessence is in the comments as always to help everyone out. This week, the episode is NOT titled Harambe Annoying Orange. You’re welcome!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Apr 2020

1 hr 19 min

We’re back, again, but in a different way from when we were back last week! Today we begin our new journey: we’re reading “The Secret Life Of The American Teenager [SEASON 6] Together Forever”, a fan fiction by Wattpad user magicofessence. We begin with the first five chapters, which are, honestly, pretty decently written for a Secret Life fanfic! George is still the worst, and she even remembered that Roboruto exists! Wow! Brenda Hampton, eat your heart out! This week, we’re getting hit right in the feels. Thanks, magicofessence!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Apr 2020

1 hr 19 min

We’re back! The show is done, but we have a lot to discuss still – and discuss it we do, until we don’t anymore! We kind of forgot what we were supposed to be doing on this one and it ended up being mostly a tour of the Secret Life wiki. It’s good though. You’re gonna like it!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Mar 2020

2 hr 14 min

WE DID IT! It’s S05E24, “Thank You and Goodbye”, the FINALE OF THE ENTIRE SHOW! We’ve got questions and Brenda is here with answers. Are they the answers we want? Yes. What a great episode! Thanks for everything, Brenda. This week, we’re treating ourselves to some garbage chocolate. See you in season 6!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Mar 2020

1 hr 47 min

My god. It’s the second to last episode, S05E23, “Caught in a Trap”, and we’re almost done with the show. Brenda’s still got something in her bag of tricks for us, however, and this episode is a doozy. Madison continues to exist, Ben and Adrian get together to talk about how boring the show is and how much Amy sucks, and Ethan and Kathy continue to exist. All bad things! This week, we’re cancelling Keith Truesdell once and for all. Take him away, boys!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Feb 2020

2 hr 2 min

Get ready for some psychology! It’s S05E22, “When Bad Things Happen to Bad People”, and we would love to know who those bad people are. Amy? Is it Amy? It’s probably Amy. Anyway, George and Ricky and Ben and Ethan are all loving life this week. Always great to see! This week, Ben does something. You’ll like it, trust me!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Feb 2020

1 hr 34 min

Well, that was depressing! We’re returning from Victoria’s funeral to talk about S05E21, “All My Sisters With Me”! It’s pretty bad, but at least there are only three more. Wait, three? That’s the number of characters in this episode who have the exact same storyline! Wow! Do you think this means anything? This week, Brenda is officially under arrest. Keith too.Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Feb 2020

1 hr 43 min

Get your grandmas and a bucket of popcorn, it’s time for Secret Life! We’re talking about S05E20, “First and Last”! George is fully the main character now, and that’s great. Unfortunately, he can’t have all the screen time – gotta make room for our friend Ethan! He’s being opprobrious this week, but he did teach me how to spell opprobrious. This week, we’re throwing some money into the marriage tontine. It’s gonna be big!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Feb 2020

1 hr 45 min

Jordan found an old story he wrote when he was 10. We read it for your enjoyment. So, enjoy!

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Feb 2020

16 min 16 sec

Hello, Duelists! We’re joined by Elliott of Pod of Greed to discuss S05E19, “Interference”! Amy and Ben are returning from New York, but Ben decides to do a crime first! Meanwhile, Omar is learning how to control phones and Jack’s mom (Didi, for you fake fans) is learning how to control teens. It’s very cool stuff. This week, we’re learning to love math with the help of special guest star Danica McKellar, and we can’t wait to take her down a peg.Sam | Jordan | ElliottTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Feb 2020

1 hr 54 min

Hot dogs, get yer hot dogs here! The SLOATboys are here live at Hot Dog Hut to talk about S01E19, “Money For Nothing, Chicks For Free”! Against all odds, Anne has somehow gotten jobs for herself and- wait. Hold on. This is actually S05E18, “Money for Nothin'”! Sorry about that. There are only so many titles, I guess. Anyway, this is an episode. Divorce Attorney is back with a vengeance(?) and so is Ben(?) It’s really impossible to know at this point. This week, we’re skipping leg-to-stand-on day. All we need is one jacked arm.Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jan 2020

1 hr 45 min

Good news! Brenda’s still gone, and the Turks are here to pick up the slack, I guess, with S05E17, “Fraid So”! You gotta hand it to them, this episode did give us things to talk about, which is more than we can say for the last few. Do they know how printers work? Why are we watching George make a meat deal? How much IS the skeleton tax? Join us as we find the answers to none of these questions and more! This week, I’m taking my extremely violent bird to the mall. It’s a good analogy, I swear!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jan 2020

1 hr 43 min

Teens, we’re really in the home stretch now! It’s S05E16, “Shiny and New”, and we’re sick of it! We’ve had it! This show is so boring and we have to watch eight more episodes of it! It sucks! That’s it! This week, Brenda didn’t write the episode, but that doesn’t make it any more palatable. Thanks for nothing, Brenda!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jan 2020

1 hr 28 min

Happy new year! We’re back in a brand new decade, but the show is the same as ever. We’re talking about S05E15, “Untying the Knot,” a very boring episode that neither of us wanted to watch. Everyone is on the phone, talking about marriage certificates and custody battles, until they get mad and hang up without saying goodbye. Let’s see, what else? Uhhhhh… I guess that’s it? Exciting stuff! This week, we’re begging for a new therapist. Come back, Mrs. Gully!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Jan 2020

1 hr 19 min

Hey, remember when Jack woke up from his coma on Christmas Eve, proving that God and miracles are real? Well, this week we’re discussing S05E14, “It’s a Miracle”, and now we’re all very skeptical of those things. Can you imagine believing in miracles? What a stupid show that would have to be! We’re all about science and reason here on Secret Life. This week, we’re issuing a correction on a previous statement of ours regarding David Johnson. You do not, under any circumstances, “gotta hand Roboruto to him.”Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Dec 2019

1 hr 39 min

Good news for people who hate Amy: it’s S05E13, “To Each Her Own”, and she’s finally getting taken down a peg. Amy’s got her wedding dress, and we all hate it! Meanwhile, Ethan is being extremely normal and teaching the teen viewers good lessons. Meanwhile meanwhile, David is being extremely normal, but unironically? I think? Do we like David? This week, we’re referencing Miss Havisham again. I’m sure it will land this time!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Dec 2019

1 hr 42 min

Scrooges rejoice! It’s finally time for S05E12, “Hedy’s Happy Holiday House”, AKA the Secret Life Christmas Episode, and we’ve got fellow Christmas fan Roy back on the show to help us celebrate. We’re Jewish and mad, and it’s all Brenda’s fault. The War on Christmas is real, and it’s here in the studio tonight. This week, it turns out Santa is real. Sure, why not?Sam | Jordan | RoyTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Dec 2019

1 hr 46 min

Live from Arizona the day after Thanksgiving, the boys are here in the same room trying to avoid eye contact while discussing S05E11, “Half Over”! Sam forgot to bring his notes but that’s okay, because Jordan has his and they’re moderately legible. Jack’s life hangs in the balance, but who cares about that when Ethan is being Ben 3.0? Anyway, I think that’s pretty much it. I think that’s basically everything that happens in this one. This week, you’ll never guess who’s back… it’s Tammy!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Nov 2019

1 hr 37 min

Content warning: this episode again deals with the topic of child sex trafficking. Although much less often and much less directly than last week, there is still some distasteful stuff that you might not enjoy to hear. Thanks Brenda! It’s S05E10, “Regrets”, and boy do we have a few of those. Thank god we have a funny posting grandma to help us through these trying times. This week, there’s a new town in town. Here comes Sherman!Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Nov 2019

1 hr 24 min

Content warning: this episode, for some reason, deals with the topic of child sex trafficking, and is handled as well as you would expect from Brenda Hampton. If you don’t want to hear about that, and about what she thinks of sex work in general, this is an episode to skip! Unfortunately, friend of the show Val (who we promise did not know what the episode was about before picking to be on this week) has joined us once again for S05E09, “Property Not for Sale”! Do you get it?! This week, we can’t wait to enjoy another regular day in Small-Town LA. And now to take a big sip of coffee and look at the newspaper!Sam | Jordan | ValTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Nov 2019

1 hr 59 min

What can I say about S05E08, “Settings Things Straight,” that the title doesn’t say for me? If you thought we were done with this awful storyline, you were underestimating just how much Brenda resents Shailene. At least now it’s finally truly over and done, right? Right? This week, we’re revolutionizing the Arizona diarrhea game. It’s… intriguing.Sam | JordanTwitter | Tumblr | Patreon | Discord | YouTube

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Nov 2019

1 hr 30 min