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Deconstructing John Gray Beyond Mars and Venus Insights, Part 1 (Breather Episode With Brad)

By Brad Kearns

This show and the follow up part 2 breather show about John Gray will pull all of his life-changing insights—from both our podcast and his new book, Beyond Mars and Venus, together into a focused plan of action for both males and females to rid your love relationship of petty arguing, stress, and dysfunction and take it to the next level. Listen closely with an open mind as males get some in-your-face assignments to “man up” and “shut up” instead of turn into cranky bitchy boys when they experience a negative emotional charge.   That’s right, Dr. John Gray himself, the number-one bestselling relationship author of all time, is telling us to shut up and take some cave time instead of “express your feelings.” Your woman doesn’t wanna hear you bitch and moan. Her deep-seated biological drives want you to calm, cool, and collected and protect her from every danger in the world, including your negative emotions! WOW! Dudes, can you carry this assignment out? Or do you wanna trash your testosterone with negative, argumentative conversations that leave you feeling limp (literally) and drained?   In this show, I cover Dr. Gray’s foundational insights men and women experience stress, love, and success in different ways, through different filters. With hormone balance absolutely essential to a relationship, males have to engage in testosterone-boosting behaviors (“cave time”), females have to engage in estrogen-boosting behaviors (“Venus talks”) and both parties have to strive for close connection, respectful communication, and taking full accountability for their roles in relationship conflict.   If you are a wussy boy or a cranky chick, then this show will offend you and get you complaining about how both Brad Kearns and John Gray should mind their own business. If you have an open mind and open heart and want to improve your relationship, listen carefully and try these tips out! Especially the John Gray classic where he said males forget easily when they just take some time away, and female can settle any contention with a female by just taking matters into the bedroom! And be sure to tune in to Breather Show #2 to put all the insights together.   Life changing takeaways that you MUST listen to and absorb : Be accountable for your actions, otherwise, you are a victim.  We respond drastically different to moderate external stress: males detach (analyze calmly) females get strong emotions (assessing support). Men misinterpret female emotions as needing a solution.   Most couples get stuck in a pattern of she's giving more and he's giving less, then she feels resentful and he gives even less since he’s not appreciated.  Male takeaways:  Male’s main purpose is to make a difference and be appreciated for it.  Male is happiest when his partner is happy. This is a symbol that he has made her happy and respected her needs wishes and desires. He’s happy with his own success but only when it’s made a difference and has a meaning to others.  Males you DON’T need to complain, bitch n' moan to your partner. If you're too sensitive and emotional, needy and demanding, she’ll get turned off. JG says, “She wants your T, man! She wants you to solve problems, protect, keep her safe, understand her—and especially protect her from your own anger! Stop talking if you have a negative emotional charge. Females wanna be heard and understood. Venus talk! Males must NEVER express anger toward partner: expressing anger is damaging to the relationship (exacerbates testosterone/estrogen imbalance). Go into the cave instead. “As long as you have a negative emotional charge, don’t share feelings.”   Males can easily forget when matters are taken into the bedroom (also mentioned in the Mia Moore show). Males lacking cave “T” time: Suppression of male side causes internal heat and overexpression of female emotional side. “Sharing and caring leads to more stress"  Male develops exaggerated needs and sense of entitlement. Venus talk: Males must learn to just listen when females are venting (building estrogen), instead of trying to solve their problems (T).  Listen intently, don’t interrupt,  say “tell me more”. Validate their complaints. NOT about partner. End with positive/gratitude/ End with hug. Time apart after   Female takeaways: Female’s main purpose is to give and receive love from happiness, gratitude, appreciation, respect  The workplace is T dominant, so females must work harder to balance the female side outside of a kick-ass workday. At home, she will take on more and more and get further exhausted, when what she really needs is to be heard and appreciated, as well as take some "me" time. Female’s biggest stress today is too far on her doing side and not enough on her feeling side, due to evolving cultural roles.  Female assignment: Give males their “cave time,” (rebuild T, ball game, video game, tinker with the car, meditate, (Speedgolf). Male will return to the relationship and intimacy with fresh enthusiasm. Don’t chase after him and ask what’s wrong! 

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